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  #1  
Old 17-09-17, 14:46
Or_GazM Or_GazM is online now
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CALL THE POLICE...

WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND YOU DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence,
and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" (True Story)
Don't mess with old people
A few GREAT chuckles for seniors!!!!! ENJOY.

GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is
marked 'NO REFILLS'.."
**********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked
to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best,
and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me, your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
(I LOVE THIS!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.
This is so true.
I love to hear them say
"you don't look that old."
--------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
(Mostly because we forgot why we
were waiting in line in the first place!!)
---------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know why I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of
the roads weren't paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
-------------------------------
One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
*********
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up
your zipper... it's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
````````````````
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't
matter, --- let's look for yours."
(ADORABLE)

*********************
(And this final one especially for me,)
"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!"

Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . . .
stick around awhile . . .
it will!
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  #2  
Old 17-09-17, 15:06
TURK's Avatar
TURK TURK is offline
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Love the first one Gaz .................. superb !

You certainly can't pull the wool over old peoples eyes, they're far more ingenious than the younger types as they've experienced life.

Btw, what would you consider 'old' ? 50 ? 60 ?




TURK

Lulu Build Thread
Quad Headlight Project & in the Classifieds Section
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  #3  
Old 17-09-17, 18:13
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scruffytoo scruffytoo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TURK View Post

Btw, what would you consider 'old' ? 50 ? 60 ?

TURK
90 springs to mind
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  #4  
Old 17-09-17, 19:50
frenchdna frenchdna is offline
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Brilliant. Just put a big smile on my face...and how true. Lol
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  #5  
Old 18-09-17, 11:07
Or_GazM Or_GazM is online now
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Default Re: Something Funny!

Husband's Message (by cellphone):
"Honey, a car has hit me near the office. Paula brought me to the hospital.
They have been making tests and taking X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong, fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury, but I do have three broken ribs,
a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot."

Wife's Response:
"Who the hell is Paula??"



Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
12. The world only bes a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?


Sorry if most of these are "age related", but they come via email from a 95 year old friend of mine in Texas!
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  #6  
Old 18-09-17, 12:30
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TURK TURK is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Or_GazM View Post
"I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it."
Brilliant line

The same goes for everybody ................. We come into this world with nothing, and we leave with nothing !




TURK

Lulu Build Thread
Quad Headlight Project & in the Classifieds Section
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  #7  
Old 18-09-17, 12:59
Or_GazM Or_GazM is online now
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Default Re: Something Funny!

I can keep these coming if they are making people smile.

Seriously, this guy went offline for a few days earlier this year, and I was worried about him.
I actually made an expensive 'phone call to him (at the time didn't know his age....he was the guy who ordered and sent the Connex adaptor kit for the auto-box cooling to me a couple of years ago).

When I got in touch with him, he apologised, and told me his wife had planned a surprise 95th year b'day for him, and he "over-indulged"!!!!!

He's still "ripping" DVDs and converting them to Internet video files?!?!?!?

Hope I can still even use a keyboard/PC/monitor at that age.

Most are obviously US based jokes, but still funny.
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  #8  
Old 18-09-17, 13:04
Or_GazM Or_GazM is online now
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Default Re: Something Funny!

Leave it to the Israelis to come up with a foolproof solution

What a simple and brilliant idea! I particularly like the 'spare' seat announcement!!

It's hard to beat Israeli technology!

TEL AVIV, Israel -
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London.

Shalom!


BRILLIANT

-------------------------------------------------

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1 The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And...

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.


----------------------------------------


Smart kid - Student who obtained 0% in an exam - Should give him 100% for his wit.

Q1.
In which battle did Napoleon die?
His last battle

Q2.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom of the page

Q3.
River Ravi flows in which state?
liquid state.

Q4.
What is the main reason for divorce?
Marriage

Q5.
What is the main reason for failure?
Exams.

Q6.
What can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch & dinner.

Q7.
What looks like half an apple?
The other half.

Q8.
If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
Wet.

Q9.
How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10.
How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q11.
If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
Very large hands.

Q12.
If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13.
How can yo u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

------------------------------------------------

REUNIONS; A QUICK GLIMPSE:



Jan, Sue and Mary (actual names changed to protect the innocent),
haven't seen each other since high school. They rediscover each other via a
reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Jan arrives
first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward in gray Chanel. After the required
ritualized kisses, she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too, shares the wine.

Jan explains after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics,
she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a
partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft.
co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.
They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her
husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in
Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ed.
They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables
and marijuana. Ed can stand five parrots, side by side, on his pecker.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts
out her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small
apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains she and Clive
are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take
vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.


---------------------------------------------

Last edited by Or_GazM; 18-09-17 at 13:07.
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  #9  
Old 18-09-17, 22:31
cl51ffe cl51ffe is offline
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Location: huddersfield
Posts: 438
Default Re: Something Funny!

These lighten up the day

I take it the nights are drawing in in Scandinavia , to much time on your hands

"It's only the Yorkshire man that matters"
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  #10  
Old 19-09-17, 06:34
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scruffytoo scruffytoo is offline
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T4 Post Icon Re: Something Funny!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TURK View Post
Brilliant line

The same goes for everybody ................. We come into this world with nothing, and we leave with nothing !




TURK
TURK listen to the song, or better still the album, by Seasick Steve
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