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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
im sitting here heartbroken,those of you who know me know i am a single parent with a 14 year old son,i have had sole care of him since he was 10,his mother moved out and in with someone else and got married april this year
my son has never chosen to see her in this time,she has seen him occasionally-maybe once a month for 20 mins,my son and i get on like a house on fire were more like brothers
as he has got that bit older he doesnt seem too fussy for going away at weekends with the van,i just put it down to teenage years
we live in a small village and my son goes to the nearest town 4 miles away most days/evenings to play at the local park/skatepark,while he is there he pops to his grans close by for juice or a roll etc

3 weeks ago his mother got a house straight across the road from his gran and he has seen her more frequently at his grans,i heard from another family relative his mother had decorated a room and made a games room for him,
last night my son said to me that he was thinking of spending more time and staying at his mums - fair enough,i asked him what nights do you want to stay as you have rugby training etc,he replied every night :eek:,as it would be easier to see his pals/go to park etc,he said hes been thinking about it for a while and its tearing him up inside as he doesnt know what to do

i know kids are easy bought and didnt think he was easy influenced,i have really struggled to keep him 24/7 over the last 4 years as his mum gave us no financial assistance/and works been quiet,but how can he hate her for 4 years for all the things she done to us then think its okay ? we have been on eggshells all day avoiding the situation

i didnt sleep a wink last night as i broke my heart all night,and its turning my stomach in knots,i feel like my life has been set back 4 years and hurting all over again :(
 

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i am t4lwb steve
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feel for you dude
i really do not what to say
other than i really do hope it works out for you
do whats right for the lad and he will love you for that (maybe not today but he will)
thinking you and your lad and whats right will prevailT:
 

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**** mate, really feel for you.

Only advice i can give mate is to give it some time, he'll soon realise what's what and he'll not forget the time, effort and love you've given him.

Hope things work out for ya fella.

Guy
 

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I'm sorry to read that bud :( Sadly I'm not a Dad but I know that would tear my insides apart too. As Steve said..... and as I feel you most definately would......do whats right for ya boy at this time in his life :) We all know what teenagers are like......we've all been one but at the end of the day.......I'm sure he loves & appreciates his Dad with all his heart and what initially may well be a week, maybe even more away from ya, he will soon enough feel what the right thing is to do & where the right place to be is.....home with his old man T:

Thoughts are with ya fella ;)

Chris :ILU:
 

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sc vw customs 1.9tdi convert
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sorry to hear that mate......kids eh....you know what the right thing is mate,even though its hard....he will soon realise that its you that really cares about him,sure his mother will let him down again.sounds like she has done before.

Feel for you mate...got all this to come with mine only being nearly 3yrs.

:ILU:
 

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feel your pain mate, just try to keep positive and make sure the time you now have with him is fun, i split with my wife last year leaving my 4 year old with her, even though i could have probably had custody if i wanted to take it that far, but somethings just aren't worth the trouble they cause, I now have my boy every other weekend and a day in the week, at first it was hard to deal with but now i'm used to it.

Just try to keep positive....thoughts are with you
 

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**** Dude,

Sorry to hear this bud but things will turn out in the end, things always seem greener on the other side probably more so when you're younger.

When I met my wife she had a daughter who was only 1 year old. I have spent the past 10 years loving her & being there & treat her like my own. Her dad would phone to say he was coming to see her/take her for the weekend & then not show for a couple of months or so & we where left to pick up the pieces & try to carry on.

Now if I'm honest he's much better these days & comes when he says etc etc but kids aren't as daft as they'd have us believe. Our kids know where they're loved & where home is as I'm sure your son does too. I know it'll be breaking your heart because I know if my daughter was to turn around & say she was off to live with her dad I'd be heart broken but I'd let her go.

All you can do is be there for him, let him do his thing & I reckon the time will come when he wants to be back with you

Try to keep you chin up Paul & take it easy bud.

If you wanna pop round n chew the fat or have a rant feel free T:
 

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You can only do your best, which you are obviously doing, he is now of an age to make informed decisions, which will be difficult for you and him.

Better you support his choices, hard they may be at the moment, speaking with you and explaining what he wants is such a positive, all credit to you, your son has the grounding and maturity to deal with this sensitive family issue.

This time will be difficult for all concerned, do you have a relationship with mother?

This would be useful, as your son will be observing how you both deal with his decision, and if it can be planned amicably with you sons best interests at hart, this will help him through the maturation process.

As a parent, your left behind, hoping it all works out, that he does not get hurt, at least you will be there if times get hard for him.

Is there a Fathers Support Group in your area, may be of use if you do not have people around to support you in the way you need.

Good luck with this, feel for you, PM me if needs be as l am a Social Worker, and Family Mediation is one of my specialisms.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
thanks for the comments guys,today i have worried myself sick (literaly) havent eaten all day,his mother when she left took 0000s from the bank and left us with £386-took the car and 2 private no plates,then procedeed to put 1 plate on her boyfriends car,even took the tv licence/sky card and remote,she had been having an affair for 18 months,and never paid csa in 4 years - she owes me £5000 and believe me that would have helped me so much over the last 4 years,while they have been living the single life pubbing/clubbing/holidays/meals etc

i know its tearing him up as much as it is me and he doesnt know what to do for the best,if he wants to go i wont stand in his way,but i cant help feeling that this is the biggest slap in the face he could ever give to me and i am truly devastated, thanks guys
 

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T4 Virgin, No matter what, just know that there are a lot of people out there experiencing exactly the same thing if not worse than you are bud. Feel the forum love.

I can tell you this.
Sadness does not last for ever. But love does, an im sure your lad loves you more than you could know.
Believe in karma mate, what goes around etc...

Be strong. Steve W....
 

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i know its tearing him up as much as it is me and he doesnt know what to do for the best,if he wants to go i wont stand in his way,but i cant help feeling that this is the biggest slap in the face he could ever give to me and i am truly devastated, thanks guys
i know its easy for me to say, but take the moral high ground tell him that you love him tell him that you know its a really hard decision that he's going to make, tell him that your always there for him no matter what. He's a 14 year old kids are more resilient then we give them credit but put yourself in his shoes and imagine how he's feeling you give him all the support you can and he will thank you for it in the long runT:

Try and keep your own feelings out of it and remember that old saying "the grass isn't always greener' if he does go to live with your ex make sure you arrange access to see him or when he comes and see's you.T:

the biggest problem you might face is if your ex demands maintenance payments:(
 

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I dont know the reason why his mum went and its none of my business but theres a good chance it could all go bad and he'll end up worse for it.
You have to let him spend time with his mum as he may resent you later in life for what could have been if you try and stop him.
He'll soon realise the crack and you've just got to be there as his rock- sure you'll have no problems doing this from how you've described your relationship.
Best of luck dude- take it easyT:
 

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Man that’s a tuff situ ... Be strong dude, I can't come up with anything more than has been said, but how about ...

If your free on the 25th 26th July - I will personally donate a father and son "only" Beaulieu ticket ....
 

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Hey Paul...

So sorry to read this hun... :(

There are probably no words that will help ease your hurt and pain...

like any hard or sad situation in life, you just have to give it time...things will pan out in the end..

He is 14 now, and at the minute, he just wants to have a fun time, seeing his mates, the easy life (he thinks) is with his mum...it may seem rosey and cosey to go live with her now...but, i bet your bottom dollar, if he does go and stay with her, after a few weeks/months, if she has been as bad as you say, then he will be in her way... the attention from her will where off, and he will soon realise that a mistake has been made... but you will have to let him make the decision, maybe sit down with him, and go through the pro's and cons with him... if he goes, just be his rock, when he is ready to come back.

My thoughts are with you hun x :)
 

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I really feel for you mate.I have seen this so many times before. I know its hard for you but you are best to ignore the ex side of thing and deal with the son part. your emotions on both subjects could get blurred and you will end up resenting him for something his mother has done.

I am sure in time he will realise what a great dad he has and maybe in time decide he prefers life with you. Its hard when kids have to share emotions between 2 parents who have separated but he sounds a decent lad and I am sure he will make the right choice.

Make a note of monies and if she asks for payments remind her of costs to date.

Hope things work out ok mate:ILU:
 

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Hi

Been through a similar situation before and about to go through the same thing again.

As the other guys have said just make sure he knows you're there for him whenever he'll need you, 'the grass isn't always greener on the other side' is very apt in this situation.

Thinking of you (and I don't say this usually to other men, well not at all) lots of luv.

Tinphil.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
thanks again for the comments guys - jimbo thanks for the beaullie offer were hopefully going to bugjam 17-19th then my son is away on the 22nd to america to visit my cousin for a month-we were both hoping to go to america for summer holiday but as works been really quiet i couldnt afford to go but have arranged for him to go live with my cousin for a month,it will be a holiday of a lifetime for him and i know hes looking forward to it

thanks guys for the sympathetic ear T:
 

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Paul, A boy needs a dad. Even although he doesn't realise it. No one realises the consequence of their actions at only 14. Its not because of you hes made the decision.

He will be - lured by 'new'; by the 'big town'; by thinking that it will be as it is 'in his mind'; and by curiosity!

My lad has just turned 11, and I've known him for 10 years (so I've seen the honesty of a young person choose the love they need). He knows what love is and long term, respects the bond we have. Your lad will find his understanding in due course! A 'yes, yes', 'here's money', 'stay up late' parental figure does not win respect, and does not build a relationship on what matters - what lasts - what builds him as a person.

Importantly - Don't treat him any differently - your relationship is still the same, as long as you don't change it.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.......and this may make him realise what he had.

Structure, support, unerring love, firmness, fairness, reasoning, listening, honesty are the pillars that allow a child to develop. I have a mate who's ex has none of those and the two girls made the decision to move in with him, as the free for all, handout, lack of control environment at their mums - was NOT what they wanted.

Minutes are hours just now I'm sure, but this is a new chapter you need to read - with him!
 

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I really feel for you mate.I have seen this so many times before. I know its hard for you but you are best to ignore the ex side of thing and deal with the son part. your emotions on both subjects could get blurred and you will end up resenting him for something his mother has done.

I am sure in time he will realise what a great dad he has and maybe in time decide he prefers life with you. Its hard when kids have to share emotions between 2 parents who have separated but he sounds a decent lad and I am sure he will make the right choice.

Make a note of monies and if she asks for payments remind her of costs to date.

Hope things work out ok mate:ILU:
Good advice. It's very tough, and you are not the first or the last to have to endure it, but always try and remember it wasn't his making. Just be there for him, don't bad mouth his Mum (however badly aggrieved you feel) and he'll look back in years to come and thank you for being the great Dad that you obviously are.

Good luck Mate. T:
 

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Wow, you a brought a tear to my eye.

Our girls are slightly older so the only thing I would say is, show your emotions to your son, seeing how you feel is completly different to words. Still inform him it's his descision and that you will stand by him no matter what.

Ask him if he will keep you informed of his progress at school, parents evening ect, as this is an important time for him, if there are too many distractions at Mum's then offer your place as a place to chill, quiet time! Even a friend could come round and stay!

Make arrangements to see him every week. Start it now, take him somewhere you will both enjoy and maintain your precious time together with no distractions. Mobile phone!

I'm sure you have already thought of all of this and I wish you all the best.

No matter what the reasons are get yourself to America for a couple of days, suprise him!

Nina x
 
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