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Is "poor" humour good or bad?

  • NO...I only want serious comments!

    Votes: 1 2.9%
  • Maybe....as long as I get what I want

    Votes: 1 2.9%
  • Ah Dunno....it's above me 'ed

    Votes: 1 2.9%
  • Yep, as long as anyone can say anything/and take feedback

    Votes: 23 65.7%
  • Yeah....just attack that OrGazM guy!

    Votes: 9 25.7%

  • Total voters
    35
41 - 60 of 83 Posts

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Full of Cr*p....
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Discussion Starter #41
Simple solution...
Equip the boars with the high viz jackets, and give the rabbits blue ones (with hats).

That way, the rabbits have the same chance as the flics for survival.T:
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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Discussion Starter #42
20 votes on the "Poll".....
Great result considering there are less than that number that regularly post :jmpg

Seems a few people "read-but-don't-write" on the forum.
Best wishes to the "lurkers"...T:
 

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Premium Member
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591 Posts
Best wishes to the "lurkers"...

Didn't know they were still playing....Rasp:
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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8,516 Posts
Discussion Starter #44
Funny thing is...
I've had a "dig" at a few T5 owners who still come to the T4 section....
I think they just might enjoy the humour that "us old folk" with T4s have......
Maybe it's a "Rusty Humour"...I dunno.....the only T5 I've seen/worked on is worse than my T4....I:

Not gonna mention any names, but you guys, you know who you are...Rasp:

Keep fighting.....or "Keep on Trucking" as those rust bucket Yanks say. A:
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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8,516 Posts
Discussion Starter #45
Now....come on "you".....
WHO voted "Ah Dunno....it's above me 'ed" LOL:
Never thought ANYONE would tick that box!!!!!
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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8,516 Posts
Discussion Starter #47
So, just to keep you guys laughing at ME.....

Set off today to go look at settees for the lounge....and buy some "special" paint.

Started to van....BEEEP.....low water. :confused:

Filled the header tank (with the correct mix).

Drove around 5km....same again :*

Had "some" spare with me, so drove back home.

It's p*ssing water out from somewhere....

Wife went off to buy the paint in her Roadster.

I decided to get the van on the ramps. T:

CAREFULLY up on the auto-box, almost to the top....OOOPS!!!!....OVER the top.
Now have a van with 2 ramps wedged underneath....covering the exact places where you "should" jack it up.....LOL:
Only damage I can "see", is that the front mudflaps are a strange shape I:

Just gotta work out where I can now get the trolley jack to lift the front enough to drag the ramps out.....
Left side is about 6" from a concrete wall!!!

Is this "Humour" or what!?! :*LOL::eek:

I need these guys to lift my van...... :mw
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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8,516 Posts
Discussion Starter #48 (Edited)
OK....OFF the old ramps (jacking under the wheels)....seems my chassis is stronger than them, as they are fooked!"

Got the ones my step-son welded at work in "spare time" (I: )

Higher and stronger .

The P*ssing out of water was a burst pipe underneath, (to the thermostat?).
A pipe that goes from 40mm down to 25mm (ish), had burst.

Just happens that my "guy" noticed there was a pipe very similar from the Smart Roadster I had in bits.....

Yeah, perfect fit, just need some new jubilee clips now, as the old ones "broke".

So, in the end, not gonna cost more than a fluid change and a couple of clips....AND A FEW BEERS FOR MY "GUY". LOL:

YOU HAVE TO LAUGH!!!!!

Been for an hours drive today to 2 "stores" and 3 "gas stations"....NO-ONE has any "anti-freeze" ?!!?? :*:confused::(

Looks like I have to do the 2 hour round trip (In a Smart Roadster, NOT the one in bits!...that cripples me getting in and out of) to get the fluid to fill "me van"!:*

I was sort of "non-compus-mentus" yesterday as my "man" was doing this work.....or I would have told him NOT to put the belly-tray back on, as today he has to change oil and filter....LOL:
(He's done it before, WITH the tray on....he's a Polish contortionist T: )

Even MORE Ha-Ha...
The sealing O-Ring for the thermostat housing is also duff.....
That's another 8 litres of coolant "cleaning" our drive!

Gotta luv living "in the sticks"....4 days wait for an "O-Ring"!!! (Should be here Tuesday or Thursday...LOL)
 

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238 Posts
I feel your pain!

Way back in in 1977 when we all had black and white TV's and Elvis was still just alive I drove my little minivan up my ramps and over the top! Stuck for 3 days as I had no way of jacking it up to release it. I had to get a rugby playing friend from the scrum to come and lift it up and back on to the ramps!

We live and learn!
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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8,516 Posts
Discussion Starter #50
Hey Don,
Just did a 100km round trip to pick up the thermostat and O-ring...
Didn't need the 'stat, but seems you can't buy the O-ring without it!!!:confused:

The "trip" was in the wife's Smart Roadster.....just like a go-kart..as long as a "fat-guy" can get in and out of it!!! :*

It corners like h*ll, accelerates like a demon (for a 700cc petrol turbo), but I'll take my T4 over it any day!!!


As for the rugby player thing....
When I was still at school, (18), some of us had cars.....(mine was a Wartburg Knight..sorry).
Anyway, another lad had a mini...
4 of us went out at lunch break, picked it up, and put it between 2 other cars....with about 3" clearance front and back! LOL:

My wife's Smarts, are so light, I can lift the front end off the ground changing wheels!!!!
Seriously...I have to push DOWN on the wheel bolts to undo them!:confused:

"Some years ago", I built a Lomax 3 wheeler. (Google 2CV Lomax)
THAT was so light that I never had to worry about parking it square....ONE hand under the back, pick it up, and move it... T:
(PAIN over speed bumps though.....miss the hump with the front 2 wheels, a$$ end would jump 2 feet into the air! :eek:)

Wish I'd never sold it though! :(
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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8,516 Posts
Discussion Starter #51
Update on "stupidness".....

Can anyone post a pic of what the bonnet stay on a short nose (2000) van should look like?
Mine got bent when I drove off the ramps..... :eek:
Bonnet was open, and then suddenly closed :(
I've bent it somewhat back into shape, but it doesn't fit back into the yellow clip.
It seems to now have an "elbow" that stops the bonnet closing.....
I should probably go buy one from a scrappies.....but that's a 3 hour round trip to the nearest one that "may" have a T4 in....in a van that hasn't got a fully closed bonnet! :(

Simple pic of the stay in its "parked position" would probably give me enough to go on. T:
 

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Full of Cr*p....
Joined
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8,516 Posts
Discussion Starter #56
I guess they were part of an "ablum" I:

I ain't complaining, at least I know where it should and shouldn't be bent (as the actress said to the bishop)LOL:
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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Discussion Starter #59 (Edited)
A couple had been happily married for just over 50 years when the wife died. They had spent their entire married life in the Yorkshire Dales.
The husband contacted the local newspaper to enquire about having an obituary published. But when informed of the cost by the lady in the newspaper office, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion "How Much?! You've got to be joking!"
He finally agreed he would have to pay something but wanted to spend as little as possible.
"I want summat simple" he explained. "My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wouldn't have wanted owt sy".
"Perhaps a small poem?" suggested the woman at the newspaper obituary desk. "Nay, lass" he said "she wouldn't have wanted anything la-di-da like that. And she wouldn't have wanted me to spend too much brass. How's about we just say: "GLADYS SMITH DIED"
"You must say when she died" insisted the lady in the office. "Must I? OK, well, let's just put "DIED 12TH SEPTEMBER 2019. That'll do".
"Okay" said the newspaper lady "but it's also usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed".
The husband considered for a moment. "Well" he said "just include... SADLY MISSED... that'll do".
"For the minimum price, you can have another four words included" the woman explained. "No, no" the husband said. "Gladys wouldn't 'ave wanted me to splash out like that".
"You wouldn't have to. As I've just explained, the extra four words are included in the basic price".
"Are they? You mean I will 'ave paid for 'em anyway?" "Yes, indeed, Mr Smith". "Well, if I'm paying for 'em, I'm damn well 'avin 'em!"
The final wording was agreed and the following obituary was duly printed in the next day's edition of the Yorkshire Post"
"GLADYS SMITH DIED 12TH SEPTEMBER 2019. SADLY MISSED. ALSO TRACTOR FOR SALE".


Two elderly women, Mary and Susan, were sitting outside their nursing home, enjoying some coffee and having a smoke.
They were having a great time talking and enjoying the sun, when suddenly, it started to rain.
A few seconds later, it was absolutely pouring down, but one of the ladies calmly opened her purse and started rummaging through it.
Mary slowly pulled a condom out of the purse, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking without a care in the world.
Susan looked at her in surprise and asked "What's that?"
Mary replied "A condom, of course. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet".
Susan exclaimed "That's ingenious! But where did you get the condom?"
Mary replied "Oh, you can get them in any drugstore these days".
The next day, Susan hobbled herself to the local drugstore, parked her walker by the entrance and went in.
She started looking around for a bit, but didn't find what she was looking for.
She walked up to the cashier and announced to him that she wanted a 12-pack of condoms.
The young cashier seemed quite surprised at hearing this coming from an 81-year-old lady.
A bit embarrassed, he stuttered "A-alright ma'am. Which brand of condoms do you prefer?"
Susan shrugged and replied "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits over a Camel".


A man went into a Coles supermarket to buy half a cauliflower. The young produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers.
The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager "Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower".
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half".
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
"Perth, sir" the boy replied. "Why did you leave Perth?" the manager asked. The boy said "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and footy players".
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Perth..."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy "What position did she play?"

My wife told me that she was cold this morning, I told her to go stand in the corner and she would warm up, how is this possible she asked. I told her the corner is 90 degrees.
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A young straight couple was in love but they were so poor they could only afford to get married at a gay church. So they met with their gay pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants" whispered the pastor. "Umm, Reverend, I've changed my mind" the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service".
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The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favoured to win nationals easily. Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest". "What?" the coach says in a panic "How far down does it go?" She replies "Down to my testicles. That's something else I want to talk to you about".
--
A Sydney man took his neighbour to court suing for damages. The complaint was that the neighbour's Chihuahua had killed the man's Doberman. The judge said "That's ridiculous, how could a tiny Chihuahua kill a great big Doberman?" The man replied "It got stuck in his throat".
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A Muslim immigrant kid asks his mother "Mama, what's a Democracy and what is Racism?" "Well, son, Democracy is when Australian tax payers work every day so we can get all our benefits, you know like free housing, free healthcare, more welfare payments than Australian pensioners get, and on and on, you know, that's Democracy". "But Mama, don't the Australian tax payers, and pensioners get ed off about that?" "Sure they do, and that's called Racism!"
--
A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one. He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago. "Mumma, look what I found!" the boy called out. "What do you have there?" his mother asked. With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
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The wife came dancing into the living room wearing a new dress she had bought. Pushing her hands down over her hips and looked at a window reflection and said "Do you think this dress I'm wearing makes me look fat?" I looked over the paper "No, it's the fat your wearing that makes you look fat".
--
Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her make up.
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A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" "Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" "Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money". Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.
--
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening. She was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied "Oh, yeah? Prove it". He frowned for a moment, then said "Okay". He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"

A man who worked for a fire station came home from work one day and told his wife "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks.
So, from now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed, and when I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night".
The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1" and his wife took off her clothes. He then yelled "Bell 2" and his wife jumped into bed. Then he yelled "Bell 3" and they began to make love.
After 2 minutes, his wife yelled "Bell 4!"
The husband asked "What's this Bell 4??" And the wife replied "More Hose!! You're nowhere near the fire!"


On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: '1-2-3'". When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want".
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'" he responded "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon".
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had? An elephant?
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.


I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's a$$ and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from the store. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
 
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