A garbo is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into the back of the rubbish truck.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes around the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually an Aboriginal bloke answers...
"Hey what's up bloke?" says the Aboriginal.
"Where's your bin, mate?" asks the garbo. "I bin on bog!" replies the Aboriginal guy, looking perplexed.
Realising the Aboriginal fellow has misunderstood, the garbo smiles and says "No mate... where's your dust bin?"
"I told you - I dust bin on toilet!" says the Aboriginal man.
"Mate!" says the garbo... "You're misunderstanding me... Where's your WHEELIE BIN?" "OK! OK!" , says the Aboriginal bloke "I wheelie bin having a w*nk!"
Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married.
They had to wait until Mildred's mother to pass away first.
Back in those days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.
Needless to say, Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years.
However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not 'do it'.
Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part.
Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.
When she reappears in her satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed.
Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie.
She blushes just as red as the nightie.
She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.
In the meantime, Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen up close since his own mother's.
It is hanging there down to her belly button; gravity having taken its toll over some sixty years.
He realises her anxiety but figures she is going to have to be helped a little more, so he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself.
She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart.
With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says "Chester, I have acute angina".
Chester says "I hope so... 'cause you've sure got ugly !"
SORRY ABOUT THIS ONE...to anyone it may concern...
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says "Hang on! You're a duck". "I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too" says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that" says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road" Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer".
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens every day for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous" says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money". "I'm always looking for the next job" says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus" says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right" replies the barman.
"The circus with the big tent?"
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course" the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says... "Why the hell would they want a plasterer?"
An Irishman and an Englishman walk in to a bakery.
The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me".
The Irishman replies "That's just simple thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results".<br>
The Irishman then calls out to the owner of the bakery and says "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick". The owner is intrigued, so he comes over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asks him for a bun and then eats it. He then asks for two more and eats those as well. The owner says "Okay, my friend, where's the magic trick?"
The Irishman says "Look in the Englishman's pocket".
IF YOU CAN BE BOTHERED TO READ THIS>>>>
In a run-down part of East London recently, a fire destroyed a dilapidated four storey house that had been divided into four flats.
A Nigerian family of six internet con artists and full-time benefit cheats lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang-banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free occupied the third floor and they too, died.
And one middle aged British white couple lived on the top floor.
They miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why were just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service. Questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
The Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment would be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area and demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
The chief fire officer quietly replied: "They were at work".
A male stripper goes into a restaurant. He sees a beautiful young nun and decides he wants to do the dirty on her. He decides to propose it to her directly.
"Ey girl how you doin'? What do you think about leaving that chastity aside and come with me for a good time?" The nun angrily answers "I am a woman of no man, only God! To hell with you, sinner!"
The man goes to a table, defeated, but then his waiter talks to him.
"Ey you know I've seen that nun praying in the cemetery at midnight sometimes. Maybe if you dress up as God she will let you have sex with her". "Oh sh*t for real? Let me try it!"
So, he dresses up with some robes and a fake beard, and goes to the cemetery at midnight. Lo and behold, the nun is right there on her knees praying, her sweet ass up to exposure. The stripper talks with the deepest, loudest voice he can make: "Woman, you are in the presence of God, on your knees!" "Oh yes my Lord!" "I wish for you to make love with me!" "Ok, but only , I don't want to lose my chastity".
So, they get to it, and after a while of hitting it, the stripper tells her: "Ha! I am the stripper from the restaurant!" To which the nun replies: "Ha! I'M THE WAITER!"
To all the school kids who went on 'strike' for climate change...
You are the first generation who have required air-conditioning in every classroom. You want TV in every room and your classes are all computerised. You spend all day and night on electronic devices. More than ever, you don't walk or ride bikes to school but arrive in caravans of private cars that choke suburban roads and worsen rush hour traffic.
You are the biggest consumers of manufactured goods ever and replace perfectly good expensive luxury items to stay trendy. Your scooters and skateboards are increasingly... electric!
Furthermore, the people driving your protests are the same people who insist on artificially inflating the population growth through immigration which increases the need for energy, manufacturing and transport.
The more people we have, the more forest and bushland we clear and more of the environment is destroyed.
How about this... tell your teachers to switch off the air-con. Walk or ride to school. Switch off your devices and read a book. Make a sandwich instead of buying manufactured goods.
No, none of this will happen because you are uneducated, selfish, virtue signalling little turds inspired by the adults around you who crave a feeling of having a 'noble cause' while they indulge themselves in Western luxury and unprecedented quality of life.
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone. She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her has had enough, he leans over and says into her phone...
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed!"
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards".
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well" answered Timmy "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die.
Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says "You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore, you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness".
As in her former life, Merkel wanted to tackle every challenge given and therefor goes first. She notices the swamp barely reaches her ankles and thinks "Well, that's what you get for lying. At least, I did it for a better Europe".
Curious about how the others are doing, she looks behind her and sees Putin covered in mud up to his knees.
Furiously, she shouts "This is impossible! Your reign was a dictatorship, you influenced world politics and economics to your benefit and you've achieved all that only by telling lies. How is it possible you're only knee-deep in this swamp?"
Calmly, Putin answers "Hush! I'm standing on top of Donald and he hasn't noticed yet!"
Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar.
Sylvester Stallone says "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks".
Chuck says "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them".
Sylvester says "Let us hear it".
So Chuck continues "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers".
That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"
"And who will you be, Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach".
SORRY guys....but unless more than a couple of others chime in, this is the cr*p you're gonna get!
A journalist for a well-known miner's magazine was interviewing a drill-rig operator. She asked him "Sir, if you had to describe your job in one word, what would it be?" He answered "Boring".
I bought a pug for my wife for her birthday. Despite the bulging eyes, wrinkles and layers of fat, the pug seemed to like her.
My mate is so engrossed with technology he got a mobile phone implanted into his throat. When his missus finds out she's going to ring his neck.
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So, the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I" pointed to his knee meaning "need" then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so ed off he runs down to the ground floor and says "What the is your problem!!? I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a loving smile and said "Get that trolley over here, Love. They're doing 3 cases of wine for the price of 2!!"
I got a job working in a strip club, the manager said "You'll love it here, it pays quite well" he winked. "And I'll make sure you're on Barbie every night. Barbie's the best, everyone loves Barbie!" "Great! I can't wait" I said as I shook his hand and left with a new found spring in my step. Later that night I returned for my first shift where I was greeted again by the manager "Hope you're ready!" He said. "It's going to be a busy one tonight". "Sure am" I replied. "Where's Barbie?" I asked rubbing my hands together in anticipation. "It's over there" He replied. "Opposite Bar A".
A man and a woman were going at it on the sofa when the phone rang. "Who was that?" the guy asked. "My husband" she replied. "Damn, I better get going then" the guy said. "Where was he when he phoned?" "You can relax" said the woman. "He's downtown playing poker with you".
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator's teeth" the Indian replied. "I suppose" she said patronisingly "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us". "Oh no" he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster".
My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me.
David Beckham gets into a taxi "Heathrow please driver". After a few minutes Becks spots the driver giving him a few looks in the mirror. This happens continuously until they approach the airport when the drivers says "Come on mate, give us a clue?" Beckham replies "I had a great career at Man United, Real Madrid and LA Galaxy and over 100 England caps". The driver says "No, you thick tw*t , which terminal?"
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair".
"What I want you to do" the man continued "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong".
So, they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice-looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes" the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks "So, tell me your story".
The Labrador looks up and says "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at to do some undercover security work at the airport, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired".
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten bucks" the owner says.
"$10!??? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying . He never did any of that sh*t!"
A young guy called Tony bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tony the following day.
The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tony’s house and said "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died".
Tony replied "Well, then just give me my money back. That’s fine".
The farmer said "Sorry, I can’t do that. I went and spent it already".
Tony then said "Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse".
The farmer was surprised and asked Tony "Why? What ya gonna do with him?"
Tony replied "I’m going to raffle him off".
The farmer laughed and said "You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?"
Tony answered "Sure I can, just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead".
A month later, the farmer met up with Tony again and asked "What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?"
Tony said "I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 apiece".
The farmer said "Didn’t anyone complain?"
Tony smiled and said "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back".
Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes". The woman freed the frog, and the frog said "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!" The woman said "That's okay".
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me". So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine". So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered "I'd like to have a mild heart attack".
Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla "Harder".
Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen...,
"That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"
A lady doing a sex survey, knocks on the door of an old military man.. How old are you, she asks, 90 years old, he says.. So when did you last have sex, she asks.. Let me see, it would be about 1955.. Wow, that's a long time, she says.. Not really, he says, it's only quarter past eight now!!
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.
"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"
The wife runs to back to the fridge.
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly! Don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs".
The husband simply smiles and replies "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car" and leaves.
I stopped at a set of lights, and noticed the WOMAN driver in front of me was putting her lip-stick on, using the rear view mirror!!!!
I was SO shocked, my 'phone fell off my shoulder, straight into my coffee cup, which spilled all over the book I was reading, and was rather warm between my legs!!!
Such was my panic, that I dropped my electric shaver from my left hand, which hit the gear shift and put it into forward!
This resulted in my car hitting the rear of hers, it being a Smart ForTwo, and I'm in my T4 Auto!
The rear of her car was demolished, mine has a few bumper scratches.
Luckily, I had a dash-cam....which clearly shows her to be at fault T:
Oops, maybe can't submit the dash-cam footage, as stupid me bought one with GPS.....
Does driving at 110 in a 50 zone make a problem for me?
I have a 2002 caravelle and it needs a bit/lot of painting so I am trying to find the paint code, other than its blue. I have looked around the fuse-box but there aint no sticker there, anyone know where it might be or any other way to match my colour?
Hi hoping you can help and advise me. I've been waiting to find something T4 ish (for a couple of years now :rolleyes:)with a sensible amount of mileage. As I have already mentioned elsewhere I want a vehicle either ready converted or, at the right price, for me to get converted. My hubs...
Considering buying my mates 1993 1.9D T4 off them. He has dropped it off with me this weekend so I can have a look at it. Issue is when I popped the bonnet the water reservoir is empty. I took it to my closest garage (they don't really do vans or older vehicle) and they advised not to...