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Is "poor" humour good or bad?

  • NO...I only want serious comments!

    Votes: 1 2.9%
  • Maybe....as long as I get what I want

    Votes: 1 2.9%
  • Ah Dunno....it's above me 'ed

    Votes: 1 2.9%
  • Yep, as long as anyone can say anything/and take feedback

    Votes: 23 65.7%
  • Yeah....just attack that OrGazM guy!

    Votes: 9 25.7%

  • Total voters
    35
61 - 80 of 83 Posts

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DOCTOR DOCTOR,. I keep thinking that I am a Supermarket................................................How long have you felt this way?????....................................ever since I was LIDL....
 

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DOCTOR DOCTOR,. I keep thinking that I am a Supermarket................................................How long have you felt this way?????....................................ever since I was LIDL....

Hahaha the Aldis are the best....:cool:
 

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Discussion Starter #63
'Asda the best reply I've ever seen! T:

Just Morrisions to keep the humour going!
 

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Discussion Starter #64
Aussie joke....but I loike it....

A garbo is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into the back of the rubbish truck.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes around the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually an Aboriginal bloke answers...
"Hey what's up bloke?" says the Aboriginal.
"Where's your bin, mate?" asks the garbo. "I bin on bog!" replies the Aboriginal guy, looking perplexed.
Realising the Aboriginal fellow has misunderstood, the garbo smiles and says "No mate... where's your dust bin?"
"I told you - I dust bin on toilet!" says the Aboriginal man.
"Mate!" says the garbo... "You're misunderstanding me... Where's your WHEELIE BIN?" "OK! OK!" , says the Aboriginal bloke "I wheelie bin having a w*nk!"


Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married.
They had to wait until Mildred's mother to pass away first.
Back in those days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.
Needless to say, Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years.
However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not 'do it'.
Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part.
Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.
When she reappears in her satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed.
Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie.
She blushes just as red as the nightie.
She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.
In the meantime, Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen up close since his own mother's.
It is hanging there down to her belly button; gravity having taken its toll over some sixty years.
He realises her anxiety but figures she is going to have to be helped a little more, so he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself.
She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart.
With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says "Chester, I have acute angina".
Chester says "I hope so... 'cause you've sure got ugly !"


SORRY ABOUT THIS ONE...to anyone it may concern...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says "Hang on! You're a duck". "I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too" says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that" says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road" Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer".
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens every day for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous" says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money". "I'm always looking for the next job" says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus" says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right" replies the barman.
"The circus with the big tent?"
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course" the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says... "Why the hell would they want a plasterer?"


An Irishman and an Englishman walk in to a bakery.
The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me".
The Irishman replies "That's just simple thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results".<br>
The Irishman then calls out to the owner of the bakery and says "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick". The owner is intrigued, so he comes over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asks him for a bun and then eats it. He then asks for two more and eats those as well. The owner says "Okay, my friend, where's the magic trick?"
The Irishman says "Look in the Englishman's pocket".

IF YOU CAN BE BOTHERED TO READ THIS>>>>

In a run-down part of East London recently, a fire destroyed a dilapidated four storey house that had been divided into four flats.
A Nigerian family of six internet con artists and full-time benefit cheats lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang-banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free occupied the third floor and they too, died.
And one middle aged British white couple lived on the top floor.
They miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why were just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service. Questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
The Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment would be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area and demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
The chief fire officer quietly replied: "They were at work".



A male stripper goes into a restaurant. He sees a beautiful young nun and decides he wants to do the dirty on her. He decides to propose it to her directly.
"Ey girl how you doin'? What do you think about leaving that chastity aside and come with me for a good time?" The nun angrily answers "I am a woman of no man, only God! To hell with you, sinner!"
The man goes to a table, defeated, but then his waiter talks to him.
"Ey you know I've seen that nun praying in the cemetery at midnight sometimes. Maybe if you dress up as God she will let you have sex with her". "Oh sh*t for real? Let me try it!"
So, he dresses up with some robes and a fake beard, and goes to the cemetery at midnight. Lo and behold, the nun is right there on her knees praying, her sweet ass up to exposure. The stripper talks with the deepest, loudest voice he can make: "Woman, you are in the presence of God, on your knees!" "Oh yes my Lord!" "I wish for you to make love with me!" "Ok, but only , I don't want to lose my chastity".
So, they get to it, and after a while of hitting it, the stripper tells her: "Ha! I am the stripper from the restaurant!" To which the nun replies: "Ha! I'M THE WAITER!"

TOPICAL.....

To all the school kids who went on 'strike' for climate change...
You are the first generation who have required air-conditioning in every classroom. You want TV in every room and your classes are all computerised. You spend all day and night on electronic devices. More than ever, you don't walk or ride bikes to school but arrive in caravans of private cars that choke suburban roads and worsen rush hour traffic.
You are the biggest consumers of manufactured goods ever and replace perfectly good expensive luxury items to stay trendy. Your scooters and skateboards are increasingly... electric!
Furthermore, the people driving your protests are the same people who insist on artificially inflating the population growth through immigration which increases the need for energy, manufacturing and transport.
The more people we have, the more forest and bushland we clear and more of the environment is destroyed.
How about this... tell your teachers to switch off the air-con. Walk or ride to school. Switch off your devices and read a book. Make a sandwich instead of buying manufactured goods.
No, none of this will happen because you are uneducated, selfish, virtue signalling little turds inspired by the adults around you who crave a feeling of having a 'noble cause' while they indulge themselves in Western luxury and unprecedented quality of life.


After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone. She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her has had enough, he leans over and says into her phone...
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed!"


A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards".
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well" answered Timmy "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"


Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die.
Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says "You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore, you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness".
As in her former life, Merkel wanted to tackle every challenge given and therefor goes first. She notices the swamp barely reaches her ankles and thinks "Well, that's what you get for lying. At least, I did it for a better Europe".
Curious about how the others are doing, she looks behind her and sees Putin covered in mud up to his knees.
Furiously, she shouts "This is impossible! Your reign was a dictatorship, you influenced world politics and economics to your benefit and you've achieved all that only by telling lies. How is it possible you're only knee-deep in this swamp?"
Calmly, Putin answers "Hush! I'm standing on top of Donald and he hasn't noticed yet!"


Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar.
Sylvester Stallone says "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks".
Chuck says "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them".
Sylvester says "Let us hear it".
So Chuck continues "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers".
That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"
"And who will you be, Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach".



SORRY guys....but unless more than a couple of others chime in, this is the cr*p you're gonna get!
Gaz
 

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Discussion Starter #65 (Edited)
A journalist for a well-known miner's magazine was interviewing a drill-rig operator. She asked him "Sir, if you had to describe your job in one word, what would it be?" He answered "Boring".
--
I bought a pug for my wife for her birthday. Despite the bulging eyes, wrinkles and layers of fat, the pug seemed to like her.
--
My mate is so engrossed with technology he got a mobile phone implanted into his throat. When his missus finds out she's going to ring his neck.
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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So, the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I" pointed to his knee meaning "need" then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so ed off he runs down to the ground floor and says "What the is your problem!!? I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
--
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a loving smile and said "Get that trolley over here, Love. They're doing 3 cases of wine for the price of 2!!"
--
I got a job working in a strip club, the manager said "You'll love it here, it pays quite well" he winked. "And I'll make sure you're on Barbie every night. Barbie's the best, everyone loves Barbie!" "Great! I can't wait" I said as I shook his hand and left with a new found spring in my step. Later that night I returned for my first shift where I was greeted again by the manager "Hope you're ready!" He said. "It's going to be a busy one tonight". "Sure am" I replied. "Where's Barbie?" I asked rubbing my hands together in anticipation. "It's over there" He replied. "Opposite Bar A".
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A man and a woman were going at it on the sofa when the phone rang. "Who was that?" the guy asked. "My husband" she replied. "Damn, I better get going then" the guy said. "Where was he when he phoned?" "You can relax" said the woman. "He's downtown playing poker with you".
--
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator's teeth" the Indian replied. "I suppose" she said patronisingly "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us". "Oh no" he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster".
--
My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me.
--
David Beckham gets into a taxi "Heathrow please driver". After a few minutes Becks spots the driver giving him a few looks in the mirror. This happens continuously until they approach the airport when the drivers says "Come on mate, give us a clue?" Beckham replies "I had a great career at Man United, Real Madrid and LA Galaxy and over 100 England caps". The driver says "No, you thick tw*t , which terminal?"

--

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair".
"What I want you to do" the man continued "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong".
So, they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

--

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice-looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes" the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks "So, tell me your story".
The Labrador looks up and says "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at to do some undercover security work at the airport, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired".
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten bucks" the owner says.
"$10!??? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying . He never did any of that sh*t!"

--

A young guy called Tony bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tony the following day.
The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tony’s house and said "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died".
Tony replied "Well, then just give me my money back. That’s fine".
The farmer said "Sorry, I can’t do that. I went and spent it already".
Tony then said "Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse".
The farmer was surprised and asked Tony "Why? What ya gonna do with him?"
Tony replied "I’m going to raffle him off".
The farmer laughed and said "You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?"
Tony answered "Sure I can, just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead".
A month later, the farmer met up with Tony again and asked "What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?"
Tony said "I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 apiece".
The farmer said "Didn’t anyone complain?"
Tony smiled and said "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back".

--

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes". The woman freed the frog, and the frog said "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!" The woman said "That's okay".
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me". So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine". So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered "I'd like to have a mild heart attack".

--

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla "Harder".
Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen...,
"That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"



Sorry guys...NOT!
 

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A lady doing a sex survey, knocks on the door of an old military man.. How old are you, she asks, 90 years old, he says.. So when did you last have sex, she asks.. Let me see, it would be about 1955.. Wow, that's a long time, she says.. Not really, he says, it's only quarter past eight now!!
 

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Discussion Starter #67
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.
"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"
The wife runs to back to the fridge.
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly! Don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs".
The husband simply smiles and replies "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car" and leaves.
 

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Discussion Starter #68
I was shocked today! SHOCKED!!!

I stopped at a set of lights, and noticed the WOMAN driver in front of me was putting her lip-stick on, using the rear view mirror!!!!:eek:

I was SO shocked, my 'phone fell off my shoulder, straight into my coffee cup, which spilled all over the book I was reading, and was rather warm between my legs!!!

Such was my panic, that I dropped my electric shaver from my left hand, which hit the gear shift and put it into forward!
This resulted in my car hitting the rear of hers, it being a Smart ForTwo, and I'm in my T4 Auto! :(

The rear of her car was demolished, mine has a few bumper scratches.

Luckily, I had a dash-cam....which clearly shows her to be at fault T:


Edit:
Oops, maybe can't submit the dash-cam footage, as stupid me bought one with GPS.....
Does driving at 110 in a 50 zone make a problem for me?:confused:
 

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Discussion Starter #70
This site update.....
Must be the silliest thing I have ever see!!!!

Old version had a "few" flaws, but this is a total JOKE!
 

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Discussion Starter #74
And....the MAIN reason I subscribe....
WHERE'S THE FRIGGING EDIT BUTTON GONE!!!!!!!?
 

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Discussion Starter #75
Diy install of AirCon into a Smart Roadster.....
Have to see how it will work on the van, but didn't want to scratch the "beautiful" paintwork I have.
Just got to figure out the dash fitting next.


180749
View attachment 180750
 

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Discussion Starter #77
Shouild keep someone occupied for a while!

What is the first thing a battered wife does when she gets home from hospital? Dinner and the laundry if she's got any sense.
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Superman was talking to Batman at the superhero's convention. "On my way here" he says "I was flying past Wonder Woman's flat when I looked through the window and saw her lying stark naked on her bed with her legs apart. So I fly in through the window and give her one". "Really" replies Batman "was she surprised?" "Yeah" says Superman "but not as much as the invisible man was!"
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Two elderly ladies have been friends for many decades. Over the years, they partook in many activities and adventures together. Lately, their activities have been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day when they were playing cards, one looked at the other and said "Now don't get mad at me - I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is?" Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said "How soon do you need to know?"
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My neighbour with the big boobs has been walking up and down the garden topless all day. Just wish his wife would do the same.
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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately". The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies: "I did... today I'm taking them to the beach!"
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A husband and wife were vacationing in when they decided to go out on a charter fishing boat. A large wave washed her overboard where she disappeared immediately. The Coast Guard were called out for the search and the husband went back to his hotel to await the outcome. Six hours later a CG officer calls on the man at the hotel. "Sir, we dragged the bottom and managed to snag your wife's body, when we pulled her up there were 12 huge king crabs attached to her feeding on her body. But we do have some good news". "Good news!? What kind of good news could there be!?" "Well sir... we're pulling her up again tomorrow".
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The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead" was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realise it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply "I used to be one of his junior associates... I just like hearing you say it".
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently. "I think you're bad luck. Get the hell away from me".
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An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband. "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid".
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A blonde goes to collect her expensive jacket from the dry cleaners. The owner, an Indian lady, says "Thank you. Come again!" To which the blonde replies "No, luckily this time it was only yogurt".
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Man says to his boss "Can we talk? I have a problem". Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man: "Okay, I have a serious drinking opportunity".
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"I've just had the worst time" the boy said. "First, I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy". "Wow!" said his friends". How did you survive?" "I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever had!"
--
My friend has got a butler who only has one arm. Serves him right.
--
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny. After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: "All 40 accounted for". "But I only have 36 sheep" says the farmer. "I know" says the sheepdog. "I rounded them up".
--
A teacher asks a boy in her class "If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?" The boy responds with "None". The teacher asks why. "They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot". The teacher says "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think. Later, the boy asks the teacher "3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?" The teacher says "The one sucking it". The boy says "No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think".
--
Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down. That's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Signed, Your Loving Son.
--
Dobbins lost his eye in an accident and couldn't afford the price of a glass eye. So he carved one out of wood. But he was so self-conscious that he never left the house.

Finally, his friend Eddy came over and forced him to go out.

"There's a dance over at the club" he said "So what if one of your eyes is made out of wood?" "All right" said Dobbins "but if anybody makes fun of my eye I'm leaving".

He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his courage. And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback.

"She's worse off than me" Dobbins thought "The least I can do is ask her to dance.

He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the girl. "Would you care to dance?" he asked.

"Would I?!" she exclaimed.

"That does it" he shouted "Hunchback! Hunchback!"
--
Uncle Ajax prided himself on his memory. He always knew where he put down his glasses, and he never seemed to forget which box held his old watches and ties. Nonetheless, one morning he discovered that his expensive new hat was not on the hat rack by the front door. He couldn't remember where he had worn it last, and he hadn't gone anywhere without it. His wife didn't know anything about it, and that lost hat really aggravated him.

He spent days looking for it.

Finally, he accepted the fact that the hat was gone forever, and, since he was also something of a cheat, decided that he'd go to the nearby church on Sunday morning, where there would be a lot of men showing up in their best clothes including, of course, fine hats. He would come in a little late and sit at the back. Then, during the service, he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to the church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon. The sermon had apparently really reached him, because, instead of sneaking out and stealing one of the parishioners' hats, he stayed behind as everyone else left the building, and went up to the pulpit to talk to the minister.

He said to the minister "Father, I have to admit that I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind".

The minister was visibly pleased, having served in that parish for 20 years without a single member complimenting him on anything he had ever said. "Bless you, my son" he burbled. "Was it when I started to preach 'thou shall not steal' that changed your heart?"

My uncle responded "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach about that, I remembered where I left my hat".
--
The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town.

One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald" the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. "I'd love to go home with you. You're such a cutie".

"I don't mean my home" he stammered. "We have to get you out of here now".

With that he attempted to get Mrs. Fitzgerald on her feet. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realised that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said "Hey, look here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz".

The bartender looked surprised, then said "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish it up".
--
A woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. She invested all her inheritance and now her business has gone bankrupt. Brandi is in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. This is unusual for her. Brandi has never prayed before, but if ever she needed the Lord before, she needs him now.

Brandi begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me!? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I have never asked you for help before and I have always been a good Christian. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself. "Brandi, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket".
--
An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asked "What did he say?"

The old man yelled "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman said "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband and asked "What did he say?"

The old man yelled "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license.

The patrolman said "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen".

The woman turned to her husband and asked "What did he say?"

The old man yelled "He thinks he knows you!"

After the old lady got her ticket, she ordered her husband to drive, then climbed in the back seat. The woman was so mad she ranted on and on about the stupidity of the cop who had given her the ticket. The old man did the best he could to ignore her and tried to watch the scenery as he drove on.

It grew dark. With a grim smile, the old man noted he was finally able to tune her out. After gaining a semblance of peace, it was with great annoyance that he noted the same patrolman come up fast behind him and signal for him to pull over. With a great sigh, he slowed down and waited for the cop. To his surprise he saw the man dragging his wife from the patrol car to his car. She was bitching every step of the way.

"Hey, Mister, did you know your wife fell out of the car a few miles back??" the officer asked.

"Really? No kidding!? Hey, thanks for telling me, Officer. For a while I was worried that I was going deaf too!!"
--
Two unemployed guys are talking.

One says "I'm going to become a lion tamer". The other replies "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming".

"Yes, I do!"

"Well, okay, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down".

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down".

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him".

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the sh*it that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage".

"Well, what if there ain't no sh*t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some sh*t on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that".
--
AMERICAN MANAGEMENT EXPLAINED

A Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the North American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program" with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments in new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.
--
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk in a stuttering voice: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, trying as hard as he could not to burst out laughing, politely replies: "Yes, we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models. Can I help you find one?"

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt t twoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by buhbuhbuhbuhbatteries?

The clerk responds "Yes, we do".

She asks: "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe gaaaahdaaaam ssunoooffabbitch offffff?"
--
A young man's mother was now living in the big city and he didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that his mom was lonely.

For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.

"Ma, what do you think of the bird?"

"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer".

"You ate the bird? Mom, that bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"

"Oh, excuse me. but, if that bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"
 

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Full of Cr*p....
Joined
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8,517 Posts
Discussion Starter #79
Never mind all this "Clap for the NHS" (they do get paid for the job, at least a pittance), how about a "Dose of Claps" for our Moderators, who work "frontline" daily and get nothing back?
I say Moderators, as I'm sure the "Admins" are paid in Canadian Dollars!

My wife works frontline as a nurse at a care home....only praise she gets is a half descent meal when she gets home at 10:30pm! (Or a mumbled "Good Morning, Night Night" when she's done night shift and climbs into bed at 9am!)
 
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