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Full of Cr*p....
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Discussion Starter #1
CALL THE POLICE...

WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND YOU DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.” Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence,
and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" (True Story)
Don't mess with old people
A few GREAT chuckles for seniors!!!!! ENJOY.

GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is
marked 'NO REFILLS'.."
**********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked
to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best,
and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me, your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
(I LOVE THIS!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.
This is so true.
I love to hear them say
"you don't look that old."
--------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
(Mostly because we forgot why we
were waiting in line in the first place!!)
---------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know why I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of
the roads weren't paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
-------------------------------
One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
*********
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up
your zipper... it's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
````````````````
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't
matter, --- let's look for yours."
(ADORABLE)

*********************
(And this final one especially for me,)
"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!"

Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . . .
stick around awhile . . .
it will!
 

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Full of Cr*p....
Joined
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8,038 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Husband's Message (by cellphone):
"Honey, a car has hit me near the office. Paula brought me to the hospital.
They have been making tests and taking X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong, fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury, but I do have three broken ribs,
a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot."

Wife's Response:
"Who the hell is Paula??"



Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
12. The world only bes a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?


Sorry if most of these are "age related", but they come via email from a 95 year old friend of mine in Texas!
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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8,038 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
I can keep these coming if they are making people smile. T:

Seriously, this guy went offline for a few days earlier this year, and I was worried about him.
I actually made an expensive 'phone call to him (at the time didn't know his age....he was the guy who ordered and sent the Connex adaptor kit for the auto-box cooling to me a couple of years ago).

When I got in touch with him, he apologised, and told me his wife had planned a surprise 95th year b'day for him, and he "over-indulged"!!!!!

He's still "ripping" DVDs and converting them to Internet video files?!?!?!?

Hope I can still even use a keyboard/PC/monitor at that age.:*

Most are obviously US based jokes, but still funny.
 

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Full of Cr*p....
Joined
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8,038 Posts
Discussion Starter #8 (Edited)
Leave it to the Israelis to come up with a foolproof solution

What a simple and brilliant idea! I particularly like the 'spare' seat announcement!!

It's hard to beat Israeli technology!

TEL AVIV, Israel -
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London.

Shalom!


BRILLIANT

-------------------------------------------------

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1 The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And...

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.


----------------------------------------


Smart kid - Student who obtained 0% in an exam - Should give him 100% for his wit.

Q1.
In which battle did Napoleon die?
His last battle

Q2.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom of the page

Q3.
River Ravi flows in which state?
liquid state.

Q4.
What is the main reason for divorce?
Marriage

Q5.
What is the main reason for failure?
Exams.

Q6.
What can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch & dinner.

Q7.
What looks like half an apple?
The other half.

Q8.
If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
Wet.

Q9.
How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10.
How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q11.
If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
Very large hands.

Q12.
If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13.
How can yo u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

------------------------------------------------

REUNIONS; A QUICK GLIMPSE:



Jan, Sue and Mary (actual names changed to protect the innocent),
haven't seen each other since high school. They rediscover each other via a
reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Jan arrives
first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward in gray Chanel. After the required
ritualized kisses, she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too, shares the wine.

Jan explains after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics,
she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a
partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft.
co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.
They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her
husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in
Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ed.
They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables
and marijuana. Ed can stand five parrots, side by side, on his pecker.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts
out her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small
apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains she and Clive
are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take
vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.


---------------------------------------------
 

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These lighten up the day

I take it the nights are drawing in in Scandinavia , to much time on your hands

"It's only the Yorkshire man that matters"
 

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Premium Member
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529 Posts
True story (or so I'm told)
A friend of mine who lives in the depths of Cornwall has a local pub that puts on an open mike night once a week, apparently Mr Seasick phoned to ask if he could come and do a number or two. Sadly for the inhabitants of St Just it was not to be as the "yoof" who took the call had no idea who he was and informed him they were fully booked.... I: :bhd hsy:
 

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Full of Cr*p....
Joined
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8,038 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
Guess what......?

10 albums of Seasick Steve available on a certain server.....when you get around to login in! :*

2 x Gogol Bordello albums also.....

Scruff.....PM me an email addy and I can give YOU details too.
 

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Full of Cr*p....
Joined
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8,038 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
I sent you email with file attached.....check for Spam, as it was a .rar file.

I'll resend.
 

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Full of Cr*p....
Joined
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8,038 Posts
Discussion Starter #19 (Edited)
John told his wife "I've got a problem". She stopped him right there. "No dear, we have a problem. We're in this together John. We married for better or for worse. Therefore, your problem is our problem". John sighed in relief. "Well, now it's hardly worth mentioning". But his wife was insistent. "Go ahead John'', tell me. What's wrong?" John replied "Somehow, we got your sister pregnant!"
-------------------

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot (WHO said it was ME?!?!). The genius says "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000". The idiot says "Okay". The genius then asks "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says "Now it's my turn: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.

--------------------

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages". The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" The father, furious, thought and said "Yes son, we call it your mother".

--------------------------

Starfleet HQ: "Remember, when you land on that planet and meet their leader, don't laugh because he's only 12 inches tall". Captain Picard: "How do you know the leader's height?" Starfleet HQ: "We've been informed that he's a ruler".

-------------------------

Maria is a devout Catholic - no birth control for her! She gets married and has seventeen children and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later and has twenty-two children by her second husband before he dies. She also dies soon after her second husband died. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says "At last... they're finally together". A man standing next to him says "Excuse me, Father, but are you referring to her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?" "Neither" the priest says politely. "I mean her LEGS".

---------------------

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

----------------------

Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid then I was petrified.

----------------------

Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night. "My grandfather lived to be 96". "Ninety-six? What finally got him??" "Liquor and women". "Well, that just goes to show ya" snickered the one guy "both will get you in the end". "Well actually, no, it's not what ya think. Towards the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one, so he just laid down and died".

---------------------

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well" he said "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack". The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says "You never told me that you were such a religious person".
He then leans over to her and says "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist!"

---------------------

A duck walks into a convenience store. "Hi" he says "got any duck food?" "No" replies the clerk. "Okay" the duck says, and leaves.
Next day, the same duck walks into the same convenience store. The same clerk is there. "Hi, got any duck food?" asks the duck. "I told you yesterday, no!" the clerk says. "Okay" says the duck, and leaves.
This continues for a couple of days until finally the clerk can't take any more.
"Look" he snaps "we didn't have any duck food yesterday, we don't have any today, and we won't have any tomorrow! And if you come in here and ask me for duck food one more time, I'm going to nail your bill to the floor!" Then he kicks the duck out of the store.
A few weeks later, the duck comes back. "Hi" he says "got any nails?" The clerk is taken aback. "No" he replies. "Great!" says the duck "Got any duck food?"

-----------------------------

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs.
She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer.
So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin!"
The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you don't have crabs... the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies!"

----------------------------------

And, LASTLY, slightly edited;

Two friends were arguing in a bar one day. Gaz, the first guy, was bragging how he knew everybody. He knew everyone, and everyone knew him. There wasn't a person that he hadn't met.
Scruffy, even though he was his good friend, didn't believe him. "Gaz, you can't know everyone". He said. "I bet you don't know the Mayor". Gaz said "Sure I do". He pulled out his cell phone and dialled a number. After a moment he said "Hi, this is Gaz. Could you tell my friend Scruffy here who you are?"
He hands the phone to Scruffy. The voice on the phone was unmistakably the Mayor, who said to Scruffy "How's my old friend Gaz treating you?" Scruffy was taken aback. He talked to the Mayor for a few moments before he handed the phone back.
"OK, you win that one. But I bet you don't know the President!" he challenged. Gaz smiled and dragged his friend out to the car. "We're going to DC!" he said.
A few hours later, they pull up to the White House. The security guys immediately recognised Gaz and let him through. Just then, the President came out of the front door walking his dog. Gaz leaned out the window and waved. Then, to Scruffy's chagrin, the President walked right over to the car and talked with Gaz for a good fifteen minutes.
Scruffy was starting to get a little perturbed. He figured that maybe Gaz only knew people in the US. So he said "I bet that you don't know the Pope...."
Gaz just grinned and drove to the airport. The next day, they were standing outside the Pope's residence. Gaz didn't think that he'd be able to get Scruffy in, since the security was so tight. But Scruffy agreed that if he saw the Pope and Gaz together in the Pope's window, then he would admit that Gaz knew everyone.
A short while later, Gaz walked out onto the balcony, arm in arm with the Pope. The Pope waved to the screaming crowds in the street. Gaz looked down into the crowd, trying to find Scruffy. To his shock he saw his friend collapsed in an unconscious heap on the ground. He quickly rushed down to see what had happened to his friend.
"Scruffy, Scruffy!" Gaz shook his friend. "Are you okay?? What happened?"
"Yeah. I'm okay". he replied. "But that was quite a shock..."
"What? When you saw me up there with the Pope?" Gaz asked.
"No "said Scruffy. "When the guy next to me in the crowd said "Hey, who's that guy up there with Gaz?"
 
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