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Discussion Starter #23
Yeah, after your reply, I checked again....spotted it....
Should have used a program I have "Multiple Rename" to do all the names, but i started manually, and YOU know how that goes....once stared, I'M GONNA FINISH!

When I put a 3.0 (ended up as 3.2) Ford V6 in my S3 Landie, I was also know very well by those guys.
I got stopped doing...err, don't know 'cos the speedo stopped at 70, and used that excuse to the occifer...
HE claimed he was doing 110 and couldn't catch me.
I said.."It's just a LandRover...."
15 mins later, after examining how I managed to get a 3 litre V6 in it, he let me go. T:

Then, every week or so...flashing lights behind me.
Every "flic" (specially for you) in Yorkshire wanted to see how a Ford V6 fits an old Landie!
Sold the damn Zebra striped thing to my brother in the end...hehe Rasp:
 

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Discussion Starter #25
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink".
The one with the Chihuahua said "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us". The one with the Doberman said "Just follow my lead".
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed". The woman with the Doberman said "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog".
The bouncer said "A Doberman pincher?" The woman said "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good". The bouncer said "OK, come on in".
The lady with the Chihuahua figured what the hell, so she put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed".
The one with the Chihuahua said "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog". The bouncer said "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the Chihuahua said "A Chihuahua? They gave me a damn CHIHUAHUA?!"
 

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Discussion Starter #26
Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret, 75, looked him over.
"Nope".
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow".
Furious, Bert yelled "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?""Nope. Not a clue" she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!"
Without missing a beat, Margaret replied "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert... shoulda bought a hat!"


A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.
After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded "Yes, that is still one of our laws". The priest then asked "Have you ever eaten pork?" "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich".
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith".
The rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith". The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed "Beats the sh*t out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"


There once was a farmer with 3 daughters who were all going on their first date at the same time.
The farmer, being protective over his daughters, decided to meet their dates at the door with his shotgun. The doorbell rang, and the farmer answered the door.
He was met with a boy, who said: "Hi! My name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?"
The farmer looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next boy arrived: "My name's Eddy, I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The farmer felt that this one was okay too, so he sent them on their way.
The final date arrived, the farmer opened the door: "Hi, my name is Chuck".
And the farmer shot him.


A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest "I almost had an affair with another woman". The priest said "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped. The priest said. "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You'renot to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £10 in the poor box".
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching quickly ran over to him saying "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied "Yeah, but I rubbed the £10 on the box and according to you that's the same as putting it in!"


A man goes into an antique shop in the city of London and spots this statue of a cat. He asks the owner "How much for the cat?"
"£100" he replies.
"Sold" says the man, pays his money and walks out the shop with the cat.
As he walks down the street he notices a cat that was hanging around outside the shop starts following him but thinks nothing of it. As he passes an alley a few doors down two more cats come out and begin to follow. By the time he's reached the corner there is a pack of 10 cats on his tail and he is getting a little nervous so he starts running.
As he runs down the hill more and more cats join the chase and at this point he is running for his life when he notices the Thames is at the end of the street. He runs up to the barrier by the side of river and leaps up grabbing hold of a lamp post. The pack of cats leaps up and all go flying into the river where they all drown.
Out of breath and in shock the man clambers down from the lamppost and makes his way back to the shop in a daze. The shopkeeper looks at him knowingly and says "I suppose you want your money back?"
To which he replies "No, but how much for that statue of the nal fan in the corner?"


After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's thesix thirtyand not thefour thirty but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that floozy from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" etc etc.
Fifteen minutes laterat St. Anne de Bellevue, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously annoyed by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: "Hey, Eric, turn off that stupid phone and come back to bed!"
My guess is that Eric no longer uses his cell phone in public.
 

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Hey Gaz, I have found a bit of down time to read through this now ................ big smile :D But you really do need to get out more, all that medication is doing you no good at all Rasp:

I do have one very serious question though .................. do you really know the Pope :mw:mw:mw:mw:mw:mw:mw:mw:mw:mw
 

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Discussion Starter #28
BIG UPDATE.....Enjoy!


BIG UPDATE.....Enjoy!During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble". The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No! Just stick out your tongue!"

Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. "You know" said Melba "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore". "Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humour to the occasion".

Joe and Moe went outside to take a leak and Joe confessed "I wish I had one like my cousin Junior. He needs four fingers to hold his". Moe looked over and pointed out "But you're holding yours with four fingers". "I know" said Joe with a sigh "but I'm peeing on three of them".

"Say, Jim" Steve said to his pal "how do you like your new job?" "It's the worst job I ever had". "How long have you been there?" "About three months". "Why don't you quit?" "No way. This is the first time in 20 years that I've looked forward to going home".

After picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. "Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the store owner. "No, don't bother" replied George. "He can't read anyway".

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini" he replied. "You'd never get it all in one". He's still in intensive care.

A husband desperate to keep his hot wife happy offers to buy is wife a new car. She cutely declines his offer by saying "That's not quite what I had in mind". Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer "That's not quite what I had in mind". Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?" She retorts "I'd like a divorce". He answers "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much".

I'm not saying I drive a small car... but whenever I get home, my garage asks if it's in yet.

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day". Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know... I'm 140 miles away!"

Whenever a baby was born to this outback African tribe it was cause for great celebration and merriment as the future of the tribe would continue to survive.
However, on the last occasion there was a bit of concern as the baby was white and the only person around for 500 miles that was white was the missionary.
The Chief calls him into his hut and explains the problem and highlights his accusation. The Missionary is put on the spot and slowly strokes his chin, thinking. "I see your dilemma Oh great Chief. Come with me".
They go outside and over to the sheep pen. "You see all these sheep here?" the Missionary says "They are all white except that one over there that's black!" The Chief pauses a moment and says "I'll do a deal with you. You don't say anything about the kid and I won't tell anyone about the sheep, okay?"

A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks "Why are you taking off your clothes?" His wife replies "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay". The husband says "No, not at all".
His wife asks angrily "Well, what the hell were you doing then?" "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book"...

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies "I make $200 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters "Pizza delivery guy".

There is a math teacher, science teacher, and a daughter of a Mexican stripper.
All 3 of them were going to HELL. So the devil tells them "I'll let you'll ask me a question and if I get it wrong you can go to HEAVEN. But if I get it right you stay here in HELL with me!"
So he asks the math teacher to give me a hard question and the math teacher does. Of course The Devil gets it right and tells the math teacher he has to stay in hell and experience torture for eternity.
He then ask the science teacher to give him a hard question. So the Science Teacher does and the Devil gets it right. He then tells the science teacher he has to stay in hell and experience torture for all eternity.
Finally it's the Mexican girls turn. The girl pulls up a chair, drills 3 hole in it, sits down and farts. She ask The Devil "What Hole did it come out of?" The Devil tells her the second hole. She tells him NO!! You dumbass! It came out of my butthole...!"

One eventful day three nuns were driving in a car when the car spun out of control crashing and killing all of them.
They went up to heaven and as they were waiting outside the gates into heaven St. Peter appeared.
"Before I let you in you all have to answer one question for me" he said.
He turns to the first nun and says "Who were the two first people on the earth created by god?" The nun responded by saying "Adam and Eve". St. Peter accepted her answer and let her into heaven.
He then turns to the second nun and says "Where did Adam and Eve live?". The nun responded by saying "The garden of Eden". St. Peter accepted this answer as well and let this nun into heaven.
He then turns to the last nun and says "This question is a little bit more difficult. What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" The nun stood there and thought about this question for a while. Not knowing what the answer is she says "That's a hard one..." St. Peter says "correct!" and lets her into heaven.

A knight went off to fight in the Holy Crusades, but before leaving he made his wife wear a chastity belt. After tightly securing it to her, he handed the key to his best friend with the instruction: "If I do not return within seven years, unlock my wife and set her free to lead a normal life".
The knight then rode off on the first leg of his journey to the Holy Land, but he had only travelled barely an hour when he was suddenly aware of the sound of pounding hooves behind him. He turned to see that it was his best friend. "What's the problem?" asked the knight.
His best friend replied "It's the wrong key!"
 

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Discussion Starter #29
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
 

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Discussion Starter #30
NOT a JOKE.....but something that I think is "funny/strange"!

10 kr = 95p (today!), but think of it as 10 to the pound....

So, yesterday, diesel was 11.04kr/l
Today, it's 14.02kr/l (!?!?!)

Tomorrow, it will probably be around 13.....Sunday it will be below 12.

I read MSN (UK) news every day, and see the "headlines" of fuel going up by 3p/l.....makes me LAUGH anyway. LOL:

During a single week, our fuel (petrol and diesel) can vary by over 30p/l.
Even morning to evening can make 10p/l difference........:*
(I once drove past the local fuel station...saw the price at less that 10kr/l, made a memory note to fill up....came back 15 mins later and it was 13.5 ?!?!?!?)

I know that at one time in UK, it was not allowed to increase prices between fill-ups at the station.....does this still apply?

Our "local" fills up every 14 days or so (maybe only serves 500 or so cars).....but prices go up and down more than a bride's nightie!
 

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Discussion Starter #31
Apologies to any Scousers.....

A Mancunian and a Scouser go into Greggs the baker.

The Scouser nicks three pies and puts them in his pocket, then boasts to the Mancunian, "did you see that?" "The staff never even saw me."

The Mancunian says, "that's nothing mate, watch this."

So the Mancunian goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "gimme a pie and I'll show you some magic" and eats the pie in front of him, and then does it twice more.

The manager says, "so, where's the magic in that?"

The Mancunian says, "go check that scouser's pocket"
 

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Discussion Starter #32
Another MAJOR update....it's end of the week again!


A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthetic shot. "No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!"
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. "No" he says "I'm fine with pills".
So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked. "Viagra" she replied.
"I'll be damned" said the patient "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer". "It doesn't" said the dentist "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth".
--
If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist... I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.
--
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued".
--
I'm not saying I drive a small car... but whenever I get home, my garage asks if it's in yet.
--
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I'm constipated". The doctor examines him for a minute and then says "Lean over the table". The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the butt with a baseball bat, -CRACK- ... and then sends him into the bathroom. He comes out a few minutes later and says "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation?" The doctor says "Stop wiping with cement bags".
--
Millions of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Australians and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!! Man, I really hate babies.
--
An angel appears and says "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars". Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table. One of his colleagues whispers "You have great wisdom. Say something!" The man says "I should have taken the money".
--
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow. Presenter: "Wow!! This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks!" says Paddy.
--
A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says "We are in Germany". The others ask "How do you know" the German says "Cuz' it's so cold". Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says "We are in Australia" the others ask "How do you know" he replies "Cuz' it's so warm". Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says "We are in Mexico" the others ask "How do you know" he says "Cuz' my watch in gone".
--
For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting. When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles; there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
"I suppose" the husband responded dryly "we could clean the house".
--
A blonde guy gets home from work... Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.
"Honey! Help! I'm having a heart attack!"
He runs back down the stairs and starts dialling the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him: "Dad! Uncle Terry's upstairs! And he's naked!"
He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked.
"WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
--
Rhonda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
the parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied "Get him, Spike!"
--
I don't really like flying. And I may never fly again after my last experience. We had taken off on a Los Angeles to New York flight and reached a cruising altitude when the Captain comes over the loudspeaker.
"Good morning. This is your Captain. We are at a cruising altitude of 34,000 feet and are on schedule to reach New York on time. The weather in New York is clear and pleasant, and the flight looks to be smooth and clear except for maybe, OH MY GOD!!"
Several people got nervous and others, like me, outright panicked. I'm clinching the armrests so hard, my hands turn white, then red! The guy next to me remained calm and suggested I settle down - but man!
After what seemed like an eternity, the Captain comes back on the speaker system.
"Ladies and Gentlemen" he starts. "I'm sorry about what happened, but a flight attendant spilled scalding, hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants".
Suddenly a voice from a few rows behind screamed "THAT'S NOTHING - YOU SHOULD SEE THE BACK OF MINE!!".
--
A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself" the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.
That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself". And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.
That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself". And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep? A dozen rabbis!



From ME.....SORRY....but my God-Father was Jewish....and he told much better "money-orientated" jokes than that one!


--
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop: "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer".
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely" she said.
"I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
 

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Discussion Starter #33 (Edited)
On vacation at a fancy restaurant, our girls were quietly playing under the table while we ate. A nearby couple kept staring at us, which annoyed me. Because the kids were not being disruptive. Finally the woman leaned over and asked "You should know that your girls are picking gum off the bottom of the table and eating it".
--
An extra smart guy is trying to pull the leg of insurance agent and asks him: "Do you do Penis Insurance?" Agent: "Yes, sir, we do Penis Insurance". Man: "You replace it with a new one?" Agent: "No, sir. Once it stops working, we ensure free service to your wife for the rest of your life...
--
After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor" he said "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine". "Nonsense" the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool". "It isn't possible" the man insisted. "We're pure Asian". "Well" said the doctor "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month". "There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust".
--
A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move. "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge. "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer says "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch. Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy's blind" said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try".
--
A blonde walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
--
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says "Holy ! You're so drunk, you can't even walk!" The drunk says "No ! That's why I took my car!"
--
One of the big differences between American English and UK English is that the Americans tend to drop the letter U from certain words like colour and honour. Bnch of stpid fcking cnts they really are hey?
--
A Husband and wife were discussing government cost cutting that they recently heard about in the news. "Honey" his wife said, while reading the newspaper "it looks like the government is going to cut the military forces. They are going to eliminate six over-aged destroyers". To which the husband replies "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother when she's gone".
--
A man and his little girl were on an overcrowded elevator. Suddenly a woman in front turned around, slapped him and left in a huff. The little girl remarked "That's okay, Daddy, I didn't like her either, she was stepping all over my toes. That's why I pinched her on the butt".
--
The wife and I have just been to the cinema to see that film Suffragette. Two hours of a woman's struggle... full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration. Anyway, she finally managed to park the car so we rushed in and caught the credits...
--
An avid Sportsman and hunter, Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.
One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his equipment ready for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat".
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says "Darling, what's wrong?" "You were beginning to sound like my ex-wife".
"Ex-wife!" she screams "I didn't know you were married before!" He replied "I wasn't..."
--
Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth.
She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly. She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible for everything in the aircraft and to fly and direct everyone in it.
She turned to the First Officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?" He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor".
Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my f*cking advice, he'll ask me".
--
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar" he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day she Googles it, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is" bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do". "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do". "What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"
--
My wife and I went to the Calgary Bull Sale & Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week!"
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said ""THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said "WOW! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him".
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"
"My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one".
I looked at her and said "Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow".
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
--
On his tenth birthday, a father asks his son what he most wants in the world. "It can be anything" he says "anything at all". "Oh boy!" says the son "In that case dad, could I rent a ?" Umm well, no you can't son". "Why not?" "Well it's illegal to have sex until you're 16 son". "Can I hire one then dad?" "Yes, of course you can".
On his 16th birthday, as promised a comes to the house.
"Oh thank you Dad!" cries the boy "Is it okay if I open it now?" "Yes of course son" replies Dad "Thank f*ck your mother's dead eh?"
So the son goes to the bedroom, where he suddenly realises he doesn't actually know what to do, so does the only thing he can, and asks his dad.
"Dad" he shouts through "She's taking her clothes off, what do I do?" "Take your clothes off too son!"
About twenty seconds later the son shouts "Dad, she's getting into my bed". "Get into your bed too son!"
"She's kissing me dad". "Kiss her too son!"
Dad what's hap-" "That's an erection son!" "Right".
After a pause a panicky voice shouts "What do I do now dad?" "Put your big hairy thing into her big hairy thing son".
A few minutes later the father hasn't heard anything else from the bedroom so assumes his son must be doing well, until he hears a muffled cry of "Dad, my head's stuck!"
 

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Discussion Starter #34
James and Neil were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United. They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (A16) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together. One half-time Neil went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for A16. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty. Then on Boxing Day, much to James and Neil's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. Neil could not resist asking the newcomer "Where have you been all season?" "Don't ask" he said "the wife bought the season ticket last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present".

--

A CHRISTMAS STORY FOR PEOPLE HAVING A BAD DAY
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

--

EIGHTEEN BOTTLES
I received 18 bottles of whisky last Christmas, and was told by my wife to empty them or else! I said I would, and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I drew the cork of the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank.
I extracted the cork from the second bottle, and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass which I drank.
I withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whisky down the sink, which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink, and poured the bottle down the glass which I drank.
Next I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it, then threw the rest down the glass.
Then I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle, corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by, I counted them again.
Finally, I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
1 am not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am, and I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know which is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
I really felt terrible the next day but I thought I had better help the storm and strife making the dinner?!!??!

--

One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots.
The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story.
Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did".
"Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did".
"Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and then Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."

--

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette". The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche". The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said "I would want silicone". The teacher said "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mum has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

--

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women are hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time and, when finally, the last one is ready to hit the ball, she hacks it about 10 feet.
She then goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet.
She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically "I guess all those f*cking lessons I took this past winter didn't help".
One of the men immediately replies "Now, there's your problem. You should have taken GOLF lessons instead".
 

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Discussion Starter #35
I am so much in debt, I can start a government.
--
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die". "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely". On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die" she replied.
--
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?" Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.
--
I bumped into my ex in town earlier. I said "How's your new bloke?" "He's twice the man you are" she sneered "what about your new woman?" I said "Thankfully she's half the woman you are...?"
--
Our eyes met across the candlelit table. She looked so beautiful. I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realised I'd drugged the wrong glass.
--
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said "But what is so exciting about a period". "Damned if I know" said Johnnie "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself".
--
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
--
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether".
--
A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says "Not bad. Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golf pro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick". She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golf pro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball".
--
A girl from pulls a guy and they are in his car and he starts fingering her. "Push another couple of fingers in!" she says. So he does. "Push your hand into me!" she says. So he does. "Put your other hand in me!" she says. So he does. "Now clap" she says. "I can't" he says. "Tight huh?" says the girl.
--
All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did. As soon as he had sat down, the chairman turned to Bob. Looking him squarely in the eye, with a stern voice, asked "Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Fox, my secretary?" "Oh, no sir, positively not!" Bob replied. "Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman. "Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!" "You'd swear to that?" "Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Fox anytime, anywhere". "Good, then YOU fire her!!"
--
A grandma is shopping with her grandson. The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: "Degree, put the toy back!" A woman who is shopping nearby hears this and asks if that is his name. The grandma replies "Yes. I sent his mother to the university... and this is what she brought back.
--
An Indian, a Maori, a Muslim and an Australian were walking along an Australian beach when the Maori stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and... a Genie appeared!
"I can only grant four wishes!" the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have one wish apiece!"
Pointing to the Maori, he said "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish". The Maori thought for a moment, then said "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland of Aotearoa".
*POOF* It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.
The Indian said "I wish for enough aircraft to take all fellow Indians back to our homeland!"
*POOF* It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.
The Muslim said "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country infested with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve the Prophet Allah".
*POOF* It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.
Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked "And what is your wish?"
The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the runway, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.
He said "Look mate, just give me a cold beer. It really doesn't get any better than this!"
--
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up".
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up". He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
--
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test.
After the test, the manager says "You will be employed at minimum wage, $8.15 an hour. Let me have your email address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an email address. To this the manager replies "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed".
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25kg bag of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.
After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his email address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he has no email, the adviser is stunned "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, email and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"
--
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe...as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late at night and raining very hard with thunder and lightning.
Bob could barely see the road in front of the car.
Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.
Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.
He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes and a small, hunched old man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry" replied the hunchback "but we don't have a phone. But my master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory".
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.
"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion". Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail, and Bob and Betty Hill both passed away.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He Bursts in and shouts to his Master "Master, Master. The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
--
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY, the other to California. Every ten years they agree to meet in Palm Springs and play golf for a weekend. They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs..." "OK".
Ten years later at 40 they play...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games". "OK".
Ten years later at 50...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "The food is good and there is plenty of parking". "OK".
At 60...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Wings are half price". "OK".
At 70...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door". "OK".
And 80...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "We've never been there before".
 

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I got some new aftershave for Christmas, it’s called Bread Crumbs, you should try it, the birds love itLOL:
 

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Discussion Starter #37
Don't tell me......you get "Hen Pecked" at home Rasp:

Nice to get a reply once in a while. T:
 

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Discussion Starter #38
Just got a "joke" in a Norwegian Christmas cracker...

Man comes home from work and finds his wife packing a suitcase.
Asks her what she's doing.
She says "I hear a prostitute in Oslo can earn £400 a time for what I give you for free!"

Later, she sees him packing a case and asks why....
He replies "I want to see how you can live on £800 a year!"
 

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Discussion Starter #39 (Edited)
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou" says the shocked friend "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?" Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies "My wife just ran off with my best friend". He then throws back another shot of whiskey in one gulp. "But" says the other man "I'm your best friend!" The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs "Not anymore... he is! Bwahaha!"
--
Pauly came home from school one day, with a note from his teacher: "Pauly has a strong tendency toward myopia [nearsighted]. Please see about it". The next day, Pauly returned to school with a note from his father: "Thank you for bringing this problem to my attention. I have given him a good thrashing, and he won't do it again".
--
Q. Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts. Q. Who is the most popular girl at a nudist colony? A. The girl who can eat the last donut.
--
At my first Weight Watchers meeting, the group leader asked each of us why we wanted to lose weight. When it was her turn, one woman started to sob. "I vowed to lose weight when my husband bought me something too small for me to fit". The leader replied "Oh, that's too bad. Was it a dress?" "No, a Porsche!"
--
A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis. A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?" He replies "It died today". "Oh that's terrible!" the nurse replied. The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again. The same nurse says "I thought it died yesterday". The man replies "It did. Today is the viewing"
--
The local sheriff pulled up next to the red neck unloading garbage out of his pickup into the ditch. The Sheriff asked "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Can't you see that sign right over your head". "Yep" he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here. The sign says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"
--
A couple was going to bed when the husband asked the wife to make love. She replied "Oh, I can't. I didn't have time to shower tonight and I feel all dirty". The husband said "Oh, okay". Then he asked "Did you have time to brush your teeth?"
--
The teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Petey says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Petey, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply try to continue with the lesson... "And how about you, Sarah?" "I think I wanna be Petey's hooker".
-- A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel". "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents". "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80". "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars".
--
An American, a scot and a Greek were walking down the road when they are struck and killed by lightning. They soon reach the pearly gates and plead to be sent back, so St. Peter calls god who agrees they can go back as long as they desist from their favourite things. in a flash they are back on the street. Soon they come to a McDonalds and the American, overcome with temptation, runs in, buys a Big Mac, takes a bite and disappears in a puff of smoke. Suitably chastened the other two walk on when the Scotsman sees a coin in a crack in the pavement. Overcome by temptation he bends down to pick it up and the Greek disappeared.
--
A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car. "If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilisation, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife. She replied "You".
--
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.
He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!" The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"
--
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house. Please let me win the lottery".
Lottery night comes and she does not win.
So Brandi prays again but still she doesn't win. Once again, she prays "God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order".
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself... "Brandi, work with me on this. Buy a ticket!"
--
80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the worldwide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance".
So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened. The blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says "Okay! Okay! Just one more chance - what's 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says "FOUR!?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
--
Larry goes to church and listens to the preacher.
After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.
Larry gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks "Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Larry replies "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing".
The preacher puts one finger in Larry's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Larry's head and prays and prays and prays.
After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Larry "Larry, how is your hearing now?" Larry says "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday".
--
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa". Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500". This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer "your turn". She asks "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his smartphone, connects to the inflight wi-fi and searches Google, Wikipedia and Orsm... no answer. Frustrated, he sends emails his friends and co-workers, tweets and posts it on Facebook to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks "Well... what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.


This should give you a chuckle or two........
HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion.
She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby
table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer... Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
And slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van
And proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability
too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said I'am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started .....
 

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Full of Cr*p....
Joined
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8,375 Posts
Discussion Starter #40
JOKE OR ANTI-JOKE?

-A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
-What's the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
-There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.
-I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that.
-The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
-What is Bruce Lee's favourite drink? Wataaaaah!
-The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
-You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
-If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
-So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
-A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
-Why don't you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.
-Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
-How does NASA organise their company parties? They planet.
-Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.
-What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
-Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.
-Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere!
-Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well-known six offender.
-What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
-My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he's only got his shelf to blame.
-What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
-Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
-How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let's go play on our bikes.
-What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
-Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks "How do you drive this thing?"
-Why can't a bike stand on its own? It's two tired.
-Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
-Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!
-What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
-Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
-When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
-I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it's more of a wrap.
-What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
-How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
-PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
-Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.
-Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.
-Learn sign language, it's very handy.
-I started a band called 999 Megabytes - we haven't gotten a gig yet.
-You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
-What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I don't care.
-Dry erase boards are remarkable.
-Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
-How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
-What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow? I have no idea but I wouldn't try milking it.
-How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne? The blind try to read your face.
 
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