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Full of Cr*p....
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Discussion Starter #41
My wife came home yesterday and said "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is". I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I thought for a moment, then said "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator". "No, there's definitely water in the carburettor" she insisted. "Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?" "In the lake".
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Paddy walked into a bar on and started ordering martini after martini. With each drink, he removed the olives and put them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and he'd finished all the drinks, Paddy went to leave. As he did so, a curious customer asked him "Excuse me, but what was that all about?" "Nothing really," replied Paddy "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives".
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Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says "Well, we have a name for it in my family". "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding". The first asks "What's a football wedding?" "Just waiting for him to kick off".
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A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods". The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
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A pretty young woman, visiting her new doctor for the first time, found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his (nude) patient up and down carefully. "Miss Jones" he said finally "It seems quite obvious to me that, until today, you have never had an eye examination".
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A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?" The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. "Oh" exclaims the doctor "The pain must have been excruciating!" "It was" said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my life". "Second worst? What could have been worse than that?" "Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.
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Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19. Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys. "Aunt Martha" she started "I've just started French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend". "Swallow". Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on".
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Sandra and Cindy were having a rare heart to heart talk. "What do you consider your worst vice?" Cindy asked. "I don't like to admit it" Sandra said "but my worst vice is vanity. Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror and just admire my face". "I wouldn't worry about it" said Cindy. "That's not vanity. That's imagination".
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In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a bartender were standing side-by-side using the urinal.
The accountant finished first, zipped up and started washing, literally scrubbing his hands clear up to his elbows! He used 20 paper towels before he finished.
He turned to the other two men and commented "I graduated from the University of Finance and they taught us to be clean!"
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented "I graduated from the University of Criminality and they taught us to be environmentally conscious!"
The bartender zipped up and as he was walking out the door said "I graduated from Hospitality College and they taught us not to on our hands!!
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A young pastor who normally rode a bike was walking despondently down the street when he came upon an older more experienced pastor.
The older pastor could see his young friend was troubled deeply. "What is bothering you my son?" he asked. "Well it appears a member of my congregation has stolen my bike" he replied.
The elder said "If I may give you some advice you might get your bike back. Next Sunday preach on the 10 Commandments and when you get to 'Thou shall not steal' really emphasise it".
Well the next week they met again and the young pastor was once again riding his bike.
"Well " said the older one "I see my advice worked". "Yes" the young pastor replied "I took your advice and preached on the 10 Commandments and when I got to 'Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I'd left my bike!"
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Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg "E-G-G" "Very good" says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast "T-O-A-S-T?" "Excellent".
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. "I had bugger all" he says " B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L". The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the capital of Australia. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Australia's west coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks "Where is the Pakistani Border?" Johnny ponders the question and finally says "The Pakistani border is in bed with my mother. That's why I got bugger all for breakfast".
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A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree".
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall".
 

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Full of Cr*p....
Joined
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8,038 Posts
Discussion Starter #42
For those using 'phones or tablets to post on the forum....

I have a spelling checker I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

PLEASE reed wot yew post be four sending!LOL:
 

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Full of Cr*p....
Joined
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8,038 Posts
Discussion Starter #43
I bet you £13456324567 you didn't read that number. You just skipped right over it. You didn't even realise I put a letter in it. No I didn't but you went back and looked.



Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see". Watson replied "I see millions and millions of stars". "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent".



A retired older couple returned to a Cadillac dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been keen on buying to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini-skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you close the deal for $45,000 to that lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model".
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go" she said".I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's Day".


Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place', and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired"Why the spoon?"
"Well" he explained"the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
"If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift".
"As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now". I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well" he whispered"I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon".


Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 75th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida.
The first said "You know I had a big house built for Mama".
The second said "And I had a large theatre built in the house".
The third said "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her".
The fourth said "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it".
The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway".
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks".
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same".
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much. Love, Mama".


A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black he was followed by a second black he about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second he was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's". ''Oh I'm so sorry. Can I ask what happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her".
He inquired further "But who is in the second he?" "My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog killed her, also".
A very touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man answered "Get in line".
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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8,038 Posts
Discussion Starter #44 (Edited)
Not a list of jokes for a change, just an "observation".

Been looking on eBay to buy a new bowl for my Falcon pipe.
Amazing the number of people selling "used" pipes.

It reminded me of when I was 9/10 years old, and one of the "old school" 2nd hand shops was close to my school.
It sold ANYTHING!

I went to look for old radios/etc.

The guy had a glass counter full of old dentures.

People would come in, point at a set, and he'd let them try them for fit.
IF they didn't fit, he simply put them back in the cabinet and they'd try another pair!
I think the only time he cleaned them was when he got them....and polished them to make them look good!
Imagine being so hard up for money, that you'd sell your own teeth! (Or husbands/wifes)

I never thought about it at the time (age related), I was only there to get "electrical stuff" to play with, and the old guy used to put things aside for me until my "2 bob/week" pocket money was enough to pay him.
Bought my 1st TV from him for £1.
A cube about 2 feet, with a 12" B/W cathode ray tube.

Once bought a record player from him.
Supposed to have 5 valves, but one of the 2x ECC83s was missing.
Gave an option of EITHER a tone control, or more volume.....depending upon which slot you put the valve in!!!

Oh dear, I'm getting OLD!

BTW,
Some people in the "Electrical" section take offence at my "carefree" regard to 240 volts....
I was 9 years old when I 1st touched it.....I'm now 60...still alive, and with a full head of "curly" (albeit going grey) hair!

240 volts AC tingles.....12 volts DC from a battery terrifies me!
 

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Full of Cr*p....
Joined
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8,038 Posts
Discussion Starter #45
WORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY AFTER A DRINK OR TWO:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
5. Personify
WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY AFTER A DRINK OR TWO:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
5. Colloquialism
WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY AFTER A DRINK OR TWO:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real Fool!
7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
8. No, you are too young and beautiful to sit on my face.
9. A blow job? No thanks I already have a job.



Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.
For many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised Yossel to go ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day Yossel came home from work very early.
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. For the first time, Yossel tearfully confessed to her his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a completely-intact penis. She looked up and said "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied "I think she got fired, too".



Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we ever got to the scene of an accident".
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An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"
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A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector phoned his client. He said "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news". The art collector replied "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first". The lawyer said "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right". Saul replied enthusiastically "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied "The pictures are of you and your secretary".
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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8,038 Posts
Discussion Starter #46
A long interview just appeared featuring Dracula's lifestyle in the Daily Mail. And yet, he didn't appear in The Mirror OR The Sun.

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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper "Please wake me at 5am". He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said "It is 5:00 a.m. Wake up". Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom. Little Johnny asked his Grandma "Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?" "Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn't like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I've gotten used to the toilet paper".

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia. Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?" I told him "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well... ya know". The guy on the help line replies "Ah, bummer mate!" I say "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"

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Saint Peter is seeing all the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in Heaven.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one:
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry, and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips.
I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died".
Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst:
"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest".
Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
He apologises and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you". "I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in this cedar chest...

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Scene: A courtroom in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.
There is strong evidence indicating guilt however, there is no corpse.
In the defence's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all" the lawyer says as he looks at his watch.
"Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom" he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.
The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.
Finally, the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty".
The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative announces a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door". Answers the representative "Oh, we did look... but your client didn't".

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There was a man who couldn't stand his wife's cat. So, one day, he decided to get rid of him by dumping him a long way away from the house.
He put the cat in the car and drove about 20 blocks away, then he left him at the park. But when he got home, the cat was there as if nothing had happened.
The next day he decided to take the cat somewhere further away, about 50 blocks. He put him out of the car and drove home. And again, the cat was there waiting for him. 'This is impossible' said the man to himself 'tomorrow I'll make sure he can't come back!'
The next day he puts the cat in the car and he drives around, taking turn after turn - right, left, right, right and so on. Eventually, after about an hour of driving, he finally lets the cat out and drives home.
A few hours later, the phone rings at his house and his wife answers it. It's the husband, and he asks "Is the cat there?" "Why, yes". says the wife "he's been here quite a while, where are you?" "Please put him on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions".

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Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-colour stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-colour story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started "You know, girls, there's a rumour going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say..."
just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time - the bus doesn't leave till morning!"

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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director" she answered. "Interesting" the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now -in her 80's- a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go".

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The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith's mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me".
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men" says the Sergeant. "Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander".
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
"Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir" answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with "Sarge, I just got a telegram that James' mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful".
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "OK, men, fall in and listen up". "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward".
"Not so fast, James!"
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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Discussion Starter #47
SO, EU Kontrol (MOT) today.
I knew it would fail on "something" as it was making a clunk over bumps.
Ball-joints both sides.....peeing down with rain, so garage will change them Wednesday. (I don't go under vans in rain or snow!)
He said 1.5 hours labour....I'm certain it would have taken me longer.:(

Would also have failed on something I DO find funny....
My Momo steering wheel cover....apparently NOT legal in Norway?!?!!
They say if you had to swerve to miss a child, it could slip on the wheel....NO CHANCE...I almost broke my fingers trying to remove it!

Guy said if he saw me remove it, it wouldn't go on the report......but make sure I re-remove before next test I: :D A:
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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Discussion Starter #48
BEEN A WHILE SINCE MY LAST UPDATE....HERE YOU GO:




There were once three Chinese brothers named Bu, Chu and Fu. One day they decided to stowaway on a ship bound for America to live a better life. On the way there, Bu said to his brothers "we should change our names to something that sounds more American, or else we will be caught and sent back to China". So when they got to America Bu changed his name to Buck. Chu changed his name to Chuck. And Fu... well he got sent back to China.

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A trucker's wife sees 3 parrots for sale. $150, $100 and $10. She asks the pet store owner why the last parrot was so cheap. The pet store owner said that it used to live in a house. The woman laughs and she buys it. When she gets home, the parrot says "Wow! A new whorehouse!" The woman laughs. When her 2 daughters come home, the parrot says "Wow! 2 new gals!" They all laugh. When the husband walks through the door, the parrot says "Joe, you found the new house!" And that's how the fight started!


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Genie: "You have 3 wishes". Me: "I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way". Genie: "I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does". Me: "Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth". Genie: "You son of a..."

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Two blond men were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first explained "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!" The second blonde got completely upset and yelled "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.

--------------------------------

It was the end of the day when a policeman parked his car in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and he saw a little boy staring in at him. "Is that a dog you got in the back seat there?" he asked. "It sure is" replied the policeman. Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the car. Finally, he said "What'd he do?"

(Took me a while to get that one.... :( )

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A catholic girl goes into confession, and tells the priest "Father, I am pregnant". "How did this happen my child?" He asks her. "Father, I think it's the second coming". she says. Rather taken aback by her explanation, he asks her "Now why would you think it's the second coming?" To which she answers "Because I swallowed the first one".

--------------------------------

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8 -year old son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the car park" he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove past".
"Looks like the Andersons have visitors" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skateboard!"
After a few moments he announced "The Coopers are having sex!"
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out "How do you know that?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on their balcony with a Mars Bar".

------------------------------

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.
His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says "I can get the peanut out".
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be".
The father says "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law".

---------------------------------

WHEN YOU'RE OVER 60...

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please". Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah... she's purty good lookin'"...

When you're over 60... WHO CARES?

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right". I said "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you".

When you're over 60... WHO CARES?

I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said "Go on then... try". After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said "Come on, what day was I born?" I said "Yesterday". Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...

When you're over 60... WHO CARES?

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. Cost me a bloody nose, but...

When you're over 60... WHO CARES?

I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said "Good legs". The girl giggled and said "Do you really think so?" I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now". Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

When you're over 60... WHO CARES?

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said "Yeah, I got a pen". I said "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you".

When you're over 60... WHO CARES?

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This fat chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said "Hi sweetie...how about you take me back to your place and we'll have some fun". I said "Sorry, I can't. I haven't got any lubricant". She said breathlessly "You won't need any lubricant with me sweetie". I said "Yes I will. I've only got standard size door frames".

When you're over 60... WHO CARES?


------------------------------------------------------------

LUV THIS ONE!!!!!

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says "What can I get you?" Duck: "Umm. Do you have any grapes?"
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd) "No, I'm afraid we don't".
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.
The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool. Bartender: "Hi. What can I get for you?" Duck: "Umm. Do you have any grapes?" Bartender (a little annoyed): "Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday? Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice.
Duck: "Umm... Do you have any grapes?" The bartender is really ticked off. Bartender: "Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. Got me, pal?"
And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.
The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender...
"What the heck do YOU want?" "Umm. Do you have any nails? "What!? Of course not". "Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?"

-----------------------------------------


I used to think I was just a regular guy, but...
I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.
I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist.
I am heterosexual which, according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobic.
I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.
I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.
I am older than 70, which makes me a useless old man.
I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.
I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive Aussie culture, which makes me a xenophobe.
I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.
I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.
I believe in the defence and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.
Now a sick old woman is calling me and my friends a basket of deplorables.
Please help me come to terms with the new me... because I'm just not sure who I am anymore!
I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking! I just can't imagine or understand what's happened to me so quickly!
Funny... it's all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years!
As if all this wasn't enough to deal with I'm now afraid to go into either restroom!

---------------------------

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City".Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom".
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years".
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom".
"Just a minute" says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results" says Saint Peter.
"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed".

----------------------------------

A monk is in the shower when he realises he forgot the soap. So, he runs to his room completely naked to grab some.
Once he's got the soap and is walking back he sees three nuns approaching. Terrified that they might recognise him he freezes and pretends to be a statue. When the nuns walk up to him they are surprised by how life-like the statue looks.
The first nun is so curious, she pulls on the monk's penis. The monk is completely surprised and drops one of the bars of soap.
"It's a machine to get a bar of soap!" the second nun exclaims and also pulls the monks penis.
And sure enough he drops the second bar.
But when the third nun pulls nothing happens so she tries again.
This goes on for a while and the other two nuns get bored and start to walk away.
Suddenly the third nun shouts: "Hallelujah! It also has liquid soap!"

------------------------------------


There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man" the biker says "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying".
"This is the worst day of my life" I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me".
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!"
"But, enough about me, how are you doing?"

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Full of Cr*p....
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8,038 Posts
Discussion Starter #49 (Edited)
As 2018 draws to a close, I want to thank you for your educational emails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5pm tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my nextdoor neighbour's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician!
Oh, and by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their emails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
PS. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR.

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BOILED CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE RECIPE
1 cup butter
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 cup sugar
1 cup brown sugar
4 Large eggs
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 cup dried fruit
1 tablespoon nuts
1 bottle whisky

METHOD:

Sample whisky to check for quality.

Take large bowl. Check Whisky again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat

Turn on electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one spoon tea of sugar and beat again.

Make sure whisky is still OK. Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fruit gets stuck in the beaters., pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky again to check for consistency.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one ballespoon of brown sugar, or whatever colour you can find. Wix mel. Grease the oven. Turn the cake pan to 350 gredees.

Don't forget to beat of the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whLisky again and bo to ged.

Nappy Hugh Ear.
 

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Full of Cr*p....
Joined
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8,038 Posts
Discussion Starter #50
Met my mate in the pub last night.
He looked a bit sad....so being such a sensitive guy, I asked him the problem.

He said he thought his wife was "having it off" with Dave the milkman.

I said.....

You mean that fat ,pale, greasy haired lump of lard I see outside your door every morning?!?!?

That seemed to cheer him up a little....until I said...

Why would handsome Dave want to shag THAT!?!??!?!



Is the NOBODY on this forum with any jokes (apart from ones about T5 or T6's) :*:confused:
 

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8,038 Posts
Discussion Starter #51
The bar was pretty quiet when a giant slab of asphalt walked in.
The slab of asphalt said to the barman "I am THE number 1 highway in all the country. No other highway is as long as I am. No other highway carries so many cars an hour. No other highway has so much produce transported on it. I am THE number ONE highway in all the country!"
The barman says "Hey, I don't want any trouble round here, I tell you what, the first beer is on the house".
As he's drinking the beer, in walks a smaller slab of asphalt.
The number one highway turns to the barman and says "Watch this" then goes up to the smaller piece of asphalt and says "I am THE number 1 highway in all the country. No other highway is as long as I am. No other highway carries so many cars an hour. No other highway has so much produce transported on it. I am THE number ONE highway in all the country!"
The smaller piece of asphalt says "Hey, I'm just a normal highway, I don't want any trouble, here, let me buy you a beer".
As they are drinking their beers, in walks a small piece of asphalt. The number 1 Interstate highway says "Hey watch this" and walks up to the small piece of asphalt and says "I am THE number 1 highway in all the country. No other highway is as long as I am. No other highway carries so many cars an hour. No other highway has so much produce transported on it. I am THE number ONE highway in all the country!"
The small piece of asphalt says "Hey, I'm just a road, I don't want any trouble, here, let me buy you a beer".
All three are sitting there having a beer when in walks, the tiniest piece of asphalt you ever did see. This thing is tiny, it can't even be two metres across.
The Number 1 Interstate Highway looks up, sees this tiny piece of asphalt, and jumps behind the bar, and cowers behind the barman.
Everyone looks at him and says "What the hell?? I thought you were 'THE number 1 highway' in all the country, with no other highway as long, no other highway carrying so many cars an hour, No other highway used to transport so much produce etc" What the hell are you doing hiding from this little piece of asphalt?
The number 1 Interstate says "Yes, yes, I am, but you don't realise, no-one messes with that guy, that guy's a cyclepath!"

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well-paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend". He said "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said "No, she's an optician".
--
Mary is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Soon thereafter the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Mary is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Mary as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says "At least, they're finally together". A man standing next to the priest asks "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Mary and her first husband, or Mary and her second husband?" The priest says "I mean her legs".
--
There was a cat by the lake and a sausage came floating by the cat put its paw in and wet its paw. Then a few minutes later a bigger sausage came floating by and the cat fell in. The moral of this story the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy.
--
One day there were these 3 men in a bar. They all got drunk and went home. The next day, they gathered together and talked about how drunk they were. The first guy said "I was so drunk last night, I made out with the lamp". The second guy said "That's nothing, I got my DUI". The third guy said "I went home and blew chunks". The first and second guy asked the third guy what was so bad about that and the third guy said "NO! You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"
--
Four nerds were sitting down in a room talking about women. One nerd says to the other "Hey, do you know what a clitoris is?" the other replied "Nope, never heard of that Pokemon"...
--
A man is having sex with a woman with the largest pussy in the world. He's on top of her when all of a sudden his legs slip inside her pussy. Then he's engulfed all the way up to his shoulders, and then he completely slides into this woman's pussy. It's very dark in there so he pulls out a flashlight and starts looking for a way out. Suddenly he trips and falls and the flashlight breaks. He panics and starts running around when he bumps into something and hears a voice say "Excuse me!" There's another man trapped inside this woman's pussy. The first man says help me find my flashlight so we can find a way out of here". And the other man says "Help me find my keys and we can drive out of here".

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp enclosure, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? "Feed them to the lions" he says to himself "because lions eat anything".
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees".


On his first day at the Nudist Colony Sid takes off his clothes, and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and Sid immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says "Did you call for me?" Sid replies "No, what do you mean?" She says "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me".
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Sid continues to explore the nudist colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts...
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says Sid. "You must be new" says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
Then Sid staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
Sid yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee!"
"But, Sir" she replies "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities!"
Sid replies, "Listen lady, I'm 75 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 35 times a day!!"


A man, a dog and a pig are stranded on a deserted island after surviving a shipwreck.
The man and his animals have plenty of food and resources to survive, but after a while the man starts to feel sexually frustrated.


One day he decides to take his sexual frustration out on the pig but the dog does not like what he sees and so he bites the man every time he tries to hump the pig.
The man even tries to lure the dog to one side of the island, so he can run back and try to relive his frustration on the pig, but the dog keeps running back just in time to stop him from having sex with the pig.
Until one day a beautiful woman washes ashore on the island but she is lifeless and the man successfully revives her through CPR.


Being so grateful that she was brought back to life, she tells him "Thank you so much for saving my life, I owe you everything and will do anything you ask, to return the favour of saving my life".
The man kindly rejects the offer but she is persistent and continues to tell him Please let me repay you, I will do anything you want!"
Then the man asks "Anything? Really?" "YES!" she says "Anything you want!"
The man is now convinced that she will do anything to repay him and so he tells her "You see that dog? Go take him for a walk"...


A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news" says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what is the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant".
"Go for it doc" says the man "as long as I can play golf again".
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved".
"That's great" said the surgeon.
"Not only that" continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours.
"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just two" said the golfer "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache".


An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan-fried drop scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even greater effort. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.
"Shove off" she said "they're for the funeral!"
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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Discussion Starter #52
Just noticed "something funny"....
The pics at the top of the forum page...
Has anyone else seen a T4 with the air inlet vents on the left wing?
 

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Brilliant line T: :D

The same goes for everybody ................. We come into this world with nothing, and we leave with nothing !




TURK

I don't agree with this, I was told I was born with a full head of hair but I sure arnt going out with one

"It's only the joke that matters"[
 

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159 Posts
"No "said Scruffy. "When the guy next to me in the crowd said "Hey, who's that guy up there with Gaz?"

Now that's a scream!

Keep 'em coming Gaz. Everyone in my local pub are wondering what I'm laughing about so much. ?
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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8,038 Posts
Discussion Starter #56
Little Johnny climbs onto Santa's lap at the department store. Santa says "I'll bet I know what you want for Christmas". And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S". The little boy answers "No, I have enough toys". Santa tries again, tapping Johnny's nose with every letter "C-A-N-D-Y". Again, Johnny says "No, I have all kinds of candy". "Well, what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks. Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose "P-U-S-S-Y. And don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your fingers!"
###############
A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his ***** that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with an elf nurse. One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem. "Don't worry" She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh". Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's okay" she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that". "Really?" the relieved elf asked. She nodded. "Yes" she chuckled "I used to work in the maternity unit".
#################
It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said "I visited the tattoo parlour today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked "Why did you do that?" "Well" she replied "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Year's!"
##################
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said "You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven".
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle" he said.
"Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said "They're bells".
Saint Peter said "You may also pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied "These are Carol's".
###############

With the Christmas Festivities upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with you all about Drinking Alcohol and Driving after a 'Social Event' with friends.

Last week, I was out at a party with some friends and ex work colleagues. I had a few shots of whisky followed by several beers. Despite my jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before - I took a taxi home.

Sure enough, there was a police road block on the high street but, since I was in a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't even know where I got it from and now that it's outside my house, I don't know what to do with it!
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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Discussion Starter #57
Have to laugh...Someone gets 30 days community service for throwing a glass at someone in a pub (who needed stitches), and then I see this:
Homeowner fined more than £60,000 after damaging protected 90-year-old tree


Friggin' Tree Huggers!!!!
It was in his garden.....HE was responsible for keeping it tidy....HE didn't want the branches scratching his beloved T4 every morning!

BTW, grammar gone wild.....top line...WHY would a pub need stitches!?!?!? o_O
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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Discussion Starter #58
Anyone know how long you can keep a turkey in a freezer?

Just asking, 'cos I put one in New Years Eve......and it was dead today! :oops:
 

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Im a tree hugger ! But not a fanatic, just a an Arb (tree) Surveyor. I go on development sites and assess trees to ensure the best ones are retained and not just bulldozed.

TPO legislation (Tree preservation orders) that we have in the UK are much envied across the world for stopping good, important trees from being lost in towns/cities. Without them we would have lost thousands if not millions. The guy bought the property knowing full well the tree is protected and his responsibility for it. He may own the tree but it benefits the whole area. So, I don't have too much sympathy, he must have been well aware of the potential penalties and what was to come; he obviously had the dosh spare! Sixty grand though, its a lot. One expensive tree stump to look at every morning. :ROFLMAO:

Anyway, enough shop talk. Happy new year to ya and the forum ?



Have to laugh...Someone gets 30 days community service for throwing a glass at someone in a pub (who needed stitches), and then I see this:
Homeowner fined more than £60,000 after damaging protected 90-year-old tree


Friggin' Tree Huggers!!!!
It was in his garden.....HE was responsible for keeping it tidy....HE didn't want the branches scratching his beloved T4 every morning!

BTW, grammar gone wild.....top line...WHY would a pub need stitches!?!?!? o_O
 

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Full of Cr*p....
Joined
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8,038 Posts
Discussion Starter #60
One expensive tree stump to look at every morning. :ROFLMAO:

Anyway, enough shop talk. Happy new year to ya and the forum ?
I have a Beach in our garden....older than that. (I think Beach...the one with "helicopter seeds.)
I built a 12 sq m "Garden House" around it for our grand daughter (hole in the floor and roof).

Anyway, neighbours complained about it scratching their delivery vans (clothing company) and the number of leaves/seeds it shed.
I was quoted £150 to have it cut down.
Whilst visiting my mum in UK one summer, my Polish lodger "trimmed" it to about 2m above the hut roof.(4m "stump" in other words)
That was 4 years ago....it's growing again....loads of new branches and leaves.
Didn't really want to lose it, but it was a nuisance when it was 15m high!

Norway has so many trees, I don't think there are any regulations about them.

When is a tree now a tree?
When it's a fella!

Sorry, but it is in the "Humour" thread. :whistle:
 
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