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Hi Gaz, Happy New Year.

'Today, children, we are going to do farm sounds.' said Miss, 'Who's got a farm sound?' Little Johnny instantly puts his hand up 'Miss, Miss, Miss.'
'Ok Cynthia, what's your sound?' says Miss. 'Moo moo, Miss.' 'Very good Cynthia, ok who's got another sound?' Again Johnny's hand is up like a rocket 'Miss, Miss, Miss.' 'Ah, Cuthbert, what is your sound?' says Miss. 'Baa baa, Miss.' 'Very good Cuthbert, a sheep.' says Miss. 'Anyone got a last sound?' says Miss. The class is silent except for Little Johnny who's hand is waving frantically. 'ok Johnny, what's your sound?'

'Get off that f*cking tractor!'
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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Discussion Starter #62
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.


The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night.


In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.


The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up.


In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.


And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides

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An atheist dies and goes to hell.


The devil welcomes him and says "Let me show you around a little bit". They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys". The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says "No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"


They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".


They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn't be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don't want anyone to be lonely!"


As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulphur is in the air.


Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the Christians, I don't know why, but they prefer it that way".

#######################################

My wife went off tonight. She insisted that I need to pay more attention to the world and to what's going on around me. I said "Yeah... yeah! Okay, okay, I promise". So, in 2010, I'm going to try harder.
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I called my boss this morning and said "I won't be coming in today. The car won't start". "What about the bus?" he asked. I said "I haven't got a bus".
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The headmaster told me my son was thrown out of his Maths lesson because he refused to write down any number made up of 1s and 0s. I had to explain it's because he now identifies as non-binary.
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So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

##########################################

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan when Sean O'Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Michael Lennon looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws.
Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse." Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet! Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me" announces Cavan.
He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: "Your husband just lost €700 and he's afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" snarls Mrs O'Toole.

"I'll go tell him" says Cavan.

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A modern-day cowboy named Ken has spent many days crossing the South Dakota prairies without water. His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie named Patty, but she is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey outfit. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie, "you know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," said the Cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. "OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink."

POOF The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"Okay, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

POOF The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

" Okay, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

POOF He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story: If the U.S. Government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

######################################

A scientist is driving along the highway, and sees a rabbit lying on the road after it had just been run over. He stops to check it out.
Since he just happens to be researching a formula to bring dead things back to life. He takes a can of his formula over to the dead rabbit, and sprays it on the rabbit.
Nothing happens.
He heads back to his car, grabs another can from the glove box, and again sprays the rabbit. The rabbit quickly comes back to life, somewhat stunned but alive nonetheless.
It starts hopping away, then stops and waves at the scientist, hops a few feet, stops and waves. It keeps hopping and waving until it disappears into the bushes.
The scientist is puzzled as to why the first can failed but the second worked. He looks at the label...

"HAIR RESTORER - With Permanent Wave"

#######################################
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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7,954 Posts
Discussion Starter #63
Just had to "port this over" from my Roadster forum.


Experts!?!!?!??!
That's the air filter...the battery is in the front of the car....and they don't even have a diesel version!
 

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Full of Cr*p....
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7,954 Posts
Discussion Starter #65
My wife said I show no sympathy for the children in slave labour. "You should try putting yourself in their shoes!" she said. So I went and bought a pair of Nikes.
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A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?" "I'm out of gas" the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now" said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed "what did you put in my gas tank"? The bee answered "BP!"
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Donald Trump was asked what the J stood for in Donald J Trump. He said "Genius"
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Rottweilers are great companion dogs. I bought a one for my mother-in-law. Despite the fearsome expression, huge teeth, constant growling and terrible breath, he's very fond of her.
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A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. A passer-by remarked "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman? "Oh, he still is" remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife".
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A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him "Congratulations, your wife has had quins, five big baby boys". The redneck said "I'm not surprised. I have a prick on me like a chimney". The nurse replied "In which case you might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black".
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It was cold and pouring with rain but the boy's mother insisted he go and feed the animals on their freeholding before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs. When he got back inside his mother was furious. "How dare you!" she fumed. "For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow and no bacon because of the way you treated the pigs". Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to his mother and said "Are you going to tell him or shall I?"
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Bloke goes to the doctor complaining that his dick has turned orange. "I've never seen anything like that" says the doc "What do you do for a living?". "Oh I'm unemployed" says the bloke. "So, what do you do all day?" asks the doc. "Sit at home watching porn and eating cheezels".
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For some years the lawyer had been taking his holidays at the exclusive hide-away country hotel and carrying on an affair with the owner's daughter. However, on returning one year he discovered his mistress had given birth to twin boys. "Why on earth didn't you tell me?" said the astonished lawyer. "You know I would have married you and provided for the birth". She replied "That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over all the options. We all agreed it was better to have a couple of b*stards in the family than a lawyer.
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A son calls his mother. "Mum, how are you?" Mum replies "Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days". Replying with concern, the son asks "What's the matter, mum? Are you not feeling well? Have you been to the doctor?" Mum replies "Not that. I didn't want to have my mouth full of food in case you called".
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If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.




Just to keep you laughing in the pub, and your mates looking strange at you Paul!
 

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Cheers Gaz, keep 'em coming, these anecdotes help keep me (and my friends in my local) in high spirit.
 
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