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Premium Member
165 Posts
Hi Gaz, Happy New Year.

'Today, children, we are going to do farm sounds.' said Miss, 'Who's got a farm sound?' Little Johnny instantly puts his hand up 'Miss, Miss, Miss.'
'Ok Cynthia, what's your sound?' says Miss. 'Moo moo, Miss.' 'Very good Cynthia, ok who's got another sound?' Again Johnny's hand is up like a rocket 'Miss, Miss, Miss.' 'Ah, Cuthbert, what is your sound?' says Miss. 'Baa baa, Miss.' 'Very good Cuthbert, a sheep.' says Miss. 'Anyone got a last sound?' says Miss. The class is silent except for Little Johnny who's hand is waving frantically. 'ok Johnny, what's your sound?'

'Get off that f*cking tractor!'

Full of Cr*p....
8,531 Posts
Discussion Starter #62
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.

The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night.

In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.

The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up.

In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.

And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides


An atheist dies and goes to hell.

The devil welcomes him and says "Let me show you around a little bit". They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys". The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says "No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"

They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".

They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn't be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don't want anyone to be lonely!"

As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulphur is in the air.

Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the Christians, I don't know why, but they prefer it that way".


My wife went off tonight. She insisted that I need to pay more attention to the world and to what's going on around me. I said "Yeah... yeah! Okay, okay, I promise". So, in 2010, I'm going to try harder.
I called my boss this morning and said "I won't be coming in today. The car won't start". "What about the bus?" he asked. I said "I haven't got a bus".
The headmaster told me my son was thrown out of his Maths lesson because he refused to write down any number made up of 1s and 0s. I had to explain it's because he now identifies as non-binary.
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.


Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan when Sean O'Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Michael Lennon looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws.
Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse." Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet! Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me" announces Cavan.
He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: "Your husband just lost €700 and he's afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" snarls Mrs O'Toole.

"I'll go tell him" says Cavan.


A modern-day cowboy named Ken has spent many days crossing the South Dakota prairies without water. His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie named Patty, but she is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey outfit. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie, "you know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," said the Cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. "OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink."

POOF The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"Okay, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

POOF The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

" Okay, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

POOF He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story: If the U.S. Government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.


A scientist is driving along the highway, and sees a rabbit lying on the road after it had just been run over. He stops to check it out.
Since he just happens to be researching a formula to bring dead things back to life. He takes a can of his formula over to the dead rabbit, and sprays it on the rabbit.
Nothing happens.
He heads back to his car, grabs another can from the glove box, and again sprays the rabbit. The rabbit quickly comes back to life, somewhat stunned but alive nonetheless.
It starts hopping away, then stops and waves at the scientist, hops a few feet, stops and waves. It keeps hopping and waving until it disappears into the bushes.
The scientist is puzzled as to why the first can failed but the second worked. He looks at the label...

"HAIR RESTORER - With Permanent Wave"


Full of Cr*p....
8,531 Posts
Discussion Starter #63
Just had to "port this over" from my Roadster forum.

That's the air filter...the battery is in the front of the car....and they don't even have a diesel version!

Full of Cr*p....
8,531 Posts
Discussion Starter #65
My wife said I show no sympathy for the children in slave labour. "You should try putting yourself in their shoes!" she said. So I went and bought a pair of Nikes.
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?" "I'm out of gas" the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now" said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed "what did you put in my gas tank"? The bee answered "BP!"
Donald Trump was asked what the J stood for in Donald J Trump. He said "Genius"
Rottweilers are great companion dogs. I bought a one for my mother-in-law. Despite the fearsome expression, huge teeth, constant growling and terrible breath, he's very fond of her.
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. A passer-by remarked "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman? "Oh, he still is" remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife".
A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him "Congratulations, your wife has had quins, five big baby boys". The redneck said "I'm not surprised. I have a prick on me like a chimney". The nurse replied "In which case you might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black".
It was cold and pouring with rain but the boy's mother insisted he go and feed the animals on their freeholding before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs. When he got back inside his mother was furious. "How dare you!" she fumed. "For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow and no bacon because of the way you treated the pigs". Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to his mother and said "Are you going to tell him or shall I?"
Bloke goes to the doctor complaining that his dick has turned orange. "I've never seen anything like that" says the doc "What do you do for a living?". "Oh I'm unemployed" says the bloke. "So, what do you do all day?" asks the doc. "Sit at home watching porn and eating cheezels".
For some years the lawyer had been taking his holidays at the exclusive hide-away country hotel and carrying on an affair with the owner's daughter. However, on returning one year he discovered his mistress had given birth to twin boys. "Why on earth didn't you tell me?" said the astonished lawyer. "You know I would have married you and provided for the birth". She replied "That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over all the options. We all agreed it was better to have a couple of b*stards in the family than a lawyer.
A son calls his mother. "Mum, how are you?" Mum replies "Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days". Replying with concern, the son asks "What's the matter, mum? Are you not feeling well? Have you been to the doctor?" Mum replies "Not that. I didn't want to have my mouth full of food in case you called".
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

Just to keep you laughing in the pub, and your mates looking strange at you Paul!

Premium Member
165 Posts
Cheers Gaz, keep 'em coming, these anecdotes help keep me (and my friends in my local) in high spirit.

Full of Cr*p....
8,531 Posts
Discussion Starter #67
Massive update...sorry it took me so long!

My wife's just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow. I said "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?" "What, in case I sh*t myself?" She replied with a laugh. "No". I said "In case your main chute doesn't open".


Last night I was watching TV in the sitting room, when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, my love? I have chicken, lamb or beef". "Thank you so much, sweetie" I replied. "I'll have the lamb, please, honeybuns". "Not you, ya fat b*stard. You'll have a boiled egg as usual. I was talking to the cat".


My girlfriend went on and on for ages accusing me of acting like a flamingo. Eventually I just had to put my foot down.


Little Suzy was absent from school for a few days, and when she returned, she said to the teacher "I had the flu Miss, and mum wouldn't let me go to school because she said it's catching". "That was good of her" said teacher "but the correct word to use is 'contagious'. Now, who can make a sentence using that word?" "Me! Me! Miss!" shouted Johnny. "Well, okay Johnny" said teacher, with some misgivings. "Last weekend I went for a ride with my dad and we saw a truck that had spilled a load of watermelons on the road, and dad said, 'gee, it'll take that poor contagious to pick up all those watermelons'"


There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied "Nope. "As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled "I thought you said your dog didn't bite! "The old man muttered "Aint my dog".


A guy's sitting in the clubhouse having a drink when a fella with a black eye and a nine-iron wrapped around his neck staggers in. "What happened to you?" The guy asks. "I was going around with my wife and all was well until I teed off on the 8th hole. Hooked it straight into that cow paddock next door. The wife laughed, but when she had her shot, the same thing happened, wham into the cow paddock. We went in there to find our balls, and I saw the damn'dest thing, a cow with its tail up and a little white dot poking out of its a$$. Sure enough, it was a golf ball, the same brand my wife uses. I held the cow's tail higher, pointed at it and shouted to the wife 'hey, this looks like yours'. Next thing I remember, I woke up looking like this".


A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mum" said the boy "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with a lot of men for money". The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true, mum?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mum, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" "Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.


A group of guys are sitting in the golf club locker room when a mobile phone in a sports bag starts ringing. One of them answers and says "Oh, hello honey. What? I left my credit card at home and you want to know if you can use it to buy that $2,000 dress you've had your eye on? Sure you can darling". The other guys go quiet and look on in amazement as he continues; "And then you want to go to the Porsche dealer and put down a deposit on a Boxster? No problem, go ahead dear". The other's eyes are boggling now. "What? The $5,000 beauty treatment? Of course you can. You're worth it my darling! Okay, see you later angel". Everyone's staring at him in total silence as he ends the call and puts the phone back in the bag. Then, as he's zipping it up, he asks "Hey, anyone know whose bag this is?"


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. "Hello" she says. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks "Do you know me?" To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids". Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly "No, I'm your son's teacher..."


A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains. He realises he has a tapeworm.
The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."
"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, sceptical. "What for?" "Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell you!"
So, the guy leaves and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. He tells the doctor his stomach pain is even worse. The doctor tells him to drop his pants and bend over. The guy does. Next thing you know, the doctor is shoving the banana up his a$$!
"THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?" the man screams. "You want my help, or don't you?"
His stomach is aching, so he clenches his fists and lets the doc proceed. The doctor shoves the banana all the way up his a$$. And then looks at his watch for ten minutes. Then she shoves the cookie up the man's a$$ too!
The man is shaking badly from pain. The doctor tells him to come back tomorrow and bring a banana and a cookie.
"AGAIN!?" "You want my help, or don't you?"
So the guy goes away and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. The exact same thing happens. This time the man is shaking and crying by the end of it. The doctor tells him to come back the next day with a banana and a cookie!!
"You want my help or don't you?" the doctor says, cutting off the man's protests.
So once again, the guy returns, and gets a banana, and ten minutes later, a cookie shoved up his a$$. He's sobbing by the end of it. But this time the doctor tells him, "Tomorrow, bring a banana and a hammer."
"Oh God! What the hell are you going to do to me now!?" the man says, and he leaves sobbing.
But the next day, he returns with a banana and a hammer. The doctor tells him to drop his pants, and once again he shoves the banana up the man's a$$. Then he waits.
Ten minutes later, the tapeworm pops his head out of the man's butthole. "Hey! Where the hell's my cookie!?"


As a man is leaving his house for work his wife shouts out "Don't forget to buy a bag of snails on your way home, my parents are coming for dinner remember".
The man agrees and rushes off to work, where he has a terrible, stressful day. Sure enough, when he gets home he's forgotten the bag of snails.
"I can't believe you've forgot to get them, you know how much my mum loves escargot. You've got 1 hour to go and get them" screams his wife.
The man runs to the local shop and buys the bag of snails. As he's walking home he goes past his local pub and his best mate runs outside and says "Hey mate come and have a drink, it's John's birthday".
The man says "yeah **** it, but I'll just have to have a quick one as I've got the in laws coming for tea".
Needless to say, one pint turns into four which turns into ten and before he knows it, the pubs closing. He grabs his bag of snails and staggers back home, drunk as a Lord.
When he gets to his garden gate, he decides to vault it and in his drunken state falls flat on his face, spilling the bag of snails all over the garden path.
His wife flung open the front door and starts screaming "Where the hell have you been!? You knew my parents were coming for tea you prick!"
The man gets to his feet, turns around to the snails on the path and waves them onwards saying " Come on lads, not far now!".


My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out. I told her "Give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back". Before I could check my account, my friend's mum phones and says "Don't give her any money because she's lying". Mum proceeds to tell me that she wants to use that $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for her birthday!!
So, I thought about it for a minute and decided to go ahead and give her the $500 because we all need help at times.
So I phoned her back and said "Yea, I can help you" and met her and gave her an envelope of cash.
A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, I say "Hello?" and she starts screaming and asking "Why did you give me counterfeit money?!"
I replied "So you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!"


One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place". "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So, they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So, this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you".


A man just moved into a new neighbourhood. Excited to meet the neighbours, he cooked up some of his best spicy chili, packed it and went out to get acquainted with most adjacent occupant.
As he rang the bell, a cute middle-aged woman answered the door.
Neville smiled and said "Hi! I've just moved into the neighbourhood and I've taken a place right next door". Leaning on the opened door, she returned his smile and welcomed him to the neighbourhood and thanked him for his kind token.
"The name's Neville" he said "rhymes with Devil, so you don't forget!" he continued, with a wink and then hurried off home.
The next day, the woman prepared some cool lemonade and walked over to Neville's house and rang the bell. He opened the door thrilled to find his neighbour with her own token of welcome.
"Thank you for the chili, Nathan. I truly enjoyed every bit of it" to which he frowned and raised eyebrows. "What's wrong?" she said "Didn't you say your name rhymes with Satan?"


A young Irish girl goes to confession and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies "Go ahead, my child".
"Well" she says "Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein' the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin'. But I know that makin' love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I've come seekin' absolution.
The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says "Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O'Malley's market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away".
The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks " Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?"
"NO, but it'll wipe the smile off yer face!"


An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a stunningly beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $10,000 ring. The old man said "No, I'd like to see something more special".
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $50,000" he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said "We'll take it".
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon" he said.
On Monday morning the jeweller phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account". "I know" said the old man "but let me tell you about my weekend!"


One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh, please excuse me" said the bunny "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see".
"That's perfectly all right" replied the snake "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know" said the bunny. "I'm blind and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out".
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitch little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit".
The bunny said "I can't thank you enough. But, by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know either.
So the bunny agreed to examine him and when the bunny was finished the snake asked "Well, what kind of animal am I?" The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't any balls. You must be a politician!"


A chemistry professor posted a bonus question on an exam.
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!"
This student received the only "A".


On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship". "What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.
"I'm a golf fanatic" he said "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always come first".
His new bride pondered this for a moment and said "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've also concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is "I'm a hooker".
"No problem" said her new husband "just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up".


Just try to keep the "Noise, Boy" down a little.....before you get thrown out!

Premium Member
594 Posts
My wife says I never open the door for her, I just hold my breath and swim to the surface...:LOL:

Full of Cr*p....
8,531 Posts
Discussion Starter #69 (Edited)
Like the "adjustment" to your "Premium Member" Pickledog. :whistle:

Finish flag in B/W looks like you had an extension to your penis!!!!
Shame you can't rotate the flag 90 degrees......
Maybe the site should consider putting a "frame" around a countries flag... :giggle:

Full of Cr*p....
8,531 Posts
Discussion Starter #70
OK....something NOT in my usual posts, but I think it will make a load of people in UK laugh!

In my garage, I have a "perfect" tailgate...not a spot of rust!
However, it's RED.....my van is BLACK!

So...in UK, you have MANY "bodyshops" (main and backstreet), whereas I have ONE in my area.(100 miles radius)
IF I totally strip all the parts off the tailgate (trim/lock/etc) they will paint it and fit it for just under £2000!!!!
BUT....then I have to go fit the trim (number plate/lights) and the wiring, back on before I can drive it home.....

That should give someone a laugh....

Full of Cr*p....
8,531 Posts
Discussion Starter #73
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. "Wow, this bed is big!" "Everything is bigger in Texas" says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. "Wow these drinks are big!" The bartender replies "Everything is big in Texas". After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. "Second door to the right" says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts "Don't flush, don't flush!"
A woman was in a coma and she had been for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma". The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room. A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heartbeat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried. The husband said "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".
My mother in law has weekly lessons with the Devil on how to be more evil. I don't know how much he's paying her.
As I walked into the bank there was a really fat drunk woman slumped beside the door. When I came out, she asked me "Any change?" "No" I replied "you're still fat and drunk".
Dr Mahony tells his patient "I have bad news and worse news, John". "Oh dear" John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. The doctor replies "I got your test results. They said you only have 24 hours to live". "That's terrible" says the patient. "But how can the news possibly be worse?" Dr Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday".
On the last occasion that Prince Charles visited Australia, he attended a function at Wagga Wagga, where he was met by various dignitaries, including the Mayor of Wagga Wagga. Whilst having a cocktail, the Mayor said to the Prince "Your Highness, it's quite a hot day and yet you have chosen an unusual style of headwear, a fur cap. Isn't that quite hot and uncomfortable?" The Prince replied "Well, yes, it is actually, but it was Mummy's idea". "I'm sorry, Her Majesty told you to wear it?" said the Mayor. "Oh, yes" replied Charles. "I spoke to her by telephone this morning. She asked me what I was doing today and I told her I was attending a reception at Wagga Wagga. She then said 'Wear the fox hat'"
A Catholic priest was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large shopping mall's parking lot. "Lord" he prayed "I can't stand this. If you open space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whisky, and I'll even promise to leave the choirboys alone". Suddenly, the clouds parted, and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the priest said "Never mind, I found one".
The anthropology professor was well known for making sexist comments and jokes in class much to the dismay of the feminist female students. The women students got together outside class and decided that after the next sexist comment from the professor they would stand up and walk out of class in solidarity. The next day the professor, while lecturing on a certain African tribe, said: "And you ladies will be glad to know that the average penis size of the tribesmen is 12 inches!" At that moment all the women in the class stood up and began filing out. The professor then said: "Wait! Wait ladies! The next flight to Nairobi doesn't leave until tomorrow morning!"
The tramp sat in his park, as normal one cold winter day. He saw a young girl playing on the frozen lake. The ice gave and she fell in. Acting quickly, the tramp ran onto the ice and managed to pull her out and get her back to shore.
Waiting for him was a man in a suit. The girl ran over to him and hugged him. The man looked at the tramp and shook his hand. "Thank you so much for saving my daughter" the man said "I have to give you a reward. What would you like?" The tramp responded "Oh, I couldn't ask for anything I was just happy to help". The man told the tramp that he was in the oil business and that money was not a question and demanded the tramp ask for any reward he wished.
Finally, the tramp said "Well, to be honest, I've always wanted a holiday but never could have one". The man told the tramp to come with him to his car. Once there the man got a piece of paper from his car.
"This is a ticket to an upcoming cruise my company is having. It'll have food, entertainment, and the nicest rooms on any ship. All yours, all expenses paid" the man explained. The tramp took the paper and thanked the man.
A few days later, the tramp arrived at the docks to board the cruise. As he tried to walk up the ramp he was stopped by an attendant. "Excuse me, but you need a ticket to be here so I'm going to need you to leave" the attendant said. "But I do have one" the tramp responded as he pulled out his paper. The attendant looked it over. "Hold on, let me get the captain".
After a few moments a man the tramp assumed to be the captain walks down the ramp. "Let me see that ticket". The captain said as he ripped the paper from the tramp's hand. After looking it over the captain motions for the tramp to follow him.
They walk through the ship, the captain talking about what the cruise offers. "So, we have a pool, all you can eat buffet, shuffleboard, tanning beds, and several other activities but I have some bad news".
The tramp's smile that had grown on his face turned into a frown.
"Well what's wrong?" he asked. "Well" started the captain "we're still doing some preparations so you'll have to wait in your room until we're ready".
The tramp figured that made sense so he asked to see his room. The tramp and the captain headed off towards the first class rooms. But they walked past them and headed down the stairs. They passed the third class cabins, then the kitchen then the crew quarters then the engine room, down all the way to the bottom of the ship.
The captain opens the door to a room barely larger than a closet. It was dark and damp and had little more than a cot.
The tramp exclaimed "Wow! This is fantastic!" Compared to sleeping outside in the dead of winter, it truly was. The captain reminded the tramp to not come out until he was told the preparations were completed and that they'd send someone.
A few hours pass the tramp gets hungry. He decided to go see if the preparations were almost done yet so he headed up to the top deck. The ship was bustling with passengers enjoying all the pleasantries of the ship. The tramp figured they must have just finished and decided to enjoy his holiday. He pigs out at the buffet, splashes around in the pool, and generally causes a ruckus. The captain catches wind of this disruption and confronts the tramp.
"I thought I told you to stay in your room!" the captain said with a scowl. "Well I-" "No, no, no". The captain interrupted "You broke my rules so now you have to do something for me. Go back to your room, someone will get you in a bit for your job".
The tramp returned to his room and waited for a couple hours until finally the attendant knocked on the door. "We're ready for you" he says, and the two return to the pool. There's a new ladder now, climbing so high into the sky it passes the clouds. The captain tells the tramp that if he can dive off that diving board that he would make the tramp captain.
The tramp agrees and begins his ascent.
This ladder is tall. Like, loony toons proportions. He climbs up and up, farther and farther into the sky. When he finally reaches and top, he peers over the edge and can't even see the ship anymore.
He takes a deep breath and jumps.
He plunges down through the air, through the clouds and into the pool, but he keeps going down through the first class cabins, the third class cabins and the kitchen and the crew quarters and the engine, all the way down until he comes to a stop in his room. The people on deck gather around the hole and stare for several minutes until the tramp bursts triumphantly through the door to the deck. Everyone burst into applause and the captain runs up to shake the tramp's hand. He says "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life! How did you survive that?!"
"Well" says the tramp "you see captain in my life I've been through many a hard ship".
A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade
The student comes up to the professor "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"
The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?"
The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye - and bites it.
The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85.
The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked. 'He can't pull out his nose' he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose.
The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90.
The student then makes another offer "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?"
The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees.
The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet. He sniffs it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is p*ss!" The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".
Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with Indians, outlaws, tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hot tubs, mellow speak, fires and earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.
So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing:
"If you ever hear even a rumour that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and get out of town as fast as you can".
Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale.
Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it.
Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter and waited.
He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the centre of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head, dropping the critter to its knees, and bellowed "Wait here 'til I get back!"
The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering "You pussycats stay here 'til I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down.
Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp.
Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?" Fred managed to say "N-n-n-nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?" To which the fellow replied "Hell no! I don't have time! I gotta get out of here - Mad Martin's coming!"
Charles, Angus and Patrick had just broken out of prison. Knowing that the police were hot on their tails, they dashed into the nearest building they could find - an old pub. Worried that the police would arrive at any second, they headed into the basement to hide. In the basement they found three large burlap sacks, which they hastily climbed into in an attempt to conceal themselves.
A policeman walked into the pub and asked the old landlord if he had seen three men enter. The man pondered for a while, before pointing a wrinkled old finger to the door leading to the basement.
The policeman entered the basement to find the three sacks leaning against the wall. Curious, he kicked the first one, inside of which hid Charles. Thinking on his feet, Charles did his best impression of a dog. "Woof woof, woof woof" he barked.
The policeman frowned, but said nothing. He moved to the next bag, where Angus hid, and decided to kick it too. Following Charles' lead, Angus began to purr like a cat. Again, the policeman frowned, but said nothing.
Finally, he came to Patrick's bag, which he again kicked. Patrick, who had been trying desperately to understand the others' plan, smiled, and shouted, with as much conviction as he could muster "POTATOES!"
A country boy visited the city and met a girl in a bar who invited him back to her house. When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.
She said: "Let's start with a 69" The country boy replied: "What's that?"
With that she got him into position, and they went at it. Within a minute of starting, the city girl felt a fart coming on. She tried holding it back, but she figured the country boy was probably enjoying what she was doing to him and just let it rip
Less than a minute later, she felt another one coming on and since he hadn't said anything, let this one out as well.
After that, the country boy pushed her off, got up, and started getting dressed
The city girl, embarrassed, asked "I guess you didn't like that, huh?" The country boy said: "No, it was fine, but I just don't think I could take 67 more of those!"
Stanley goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn't remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet.
He walks into downtown and goes into one bar and asked the bartender "Excuse me, this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?" "A golden toilet? I don't think so" the bartender said, giving him a strange look.
The man walked into another bar "Excuse me, you don't happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?" said Stanley. "A golden toilet, huh? Don't be ridiculous".
This continues all day until finally Stanley walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town. He asks the bartender "Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet".
The bartender smiles, turns around and yells "Hey Bob, I think we found the guy who took a sh*t in your tuba!"
A young, and very conservative couple is planning to get married. They are deeply in love, but have scarcely done more than hold hands, and only with each other. As they walk along the downtown streets of their city, admiring wedding dresses and cakes at various shops, and making notes about what they like, the conversation slowly takes a serious turn.
The man says "Look, there is something I need to share with you. I have never shared this with anyone, but I have heard that penis size is important to women".
"I'm confused" says the young woman.
"I'm hung like a baby" the man replies.
The woman thinks for a moment, then replies "Well, as you know, I am a virgin and have nothing to compare it to, so I don't think it matters. I love you, and I am looking forward to a happy life with you".
Feeling relieved, the man begins walking again, and the woman follows but looks concerned.
Finally, after a long pause, she says "I, too, should share something with you. I know from my friends that men love large breasts on a woman, and I must tell you that I am afraid you will be disappointed. I wear a padded bra, I am basically flat as a board, and I am very nervous that you will not like me so much when you see me naked".
The man thinks for a moment, then replies "My dear, you know I have nothing to compare your chest to, in the nude, and I love you, so I am not concerned. Let's be married and have a happy life".
Both relieved, they continue planning the wedding, and shortly thereafter they do get married.
On the wedding night, both are understandably nervous, being as inexperienced as they are. They kiss, and slowly begin remove each other's clothing.
As the young woman's shirt, and then her bra, come off, sure enough - not even an A cup. But, this man loves his new wife, and continues with enthusiasm.
Soon, the woman slowly works the man's pants off, and slowly slides down his underwear. Immediately after seeing his penis, in a very anticipatory state, she faints.
In a panic, the young man elevates her legs and ensures she is breathing as she is clearly in shock. Soon enough, she comes to, and he is relieved.
He promptly asks if she is ok, to which she replies "I thought you said you were hung like a baby?"
"I am" he says "21.5 inches, 8 pounds, 9 ounces".
A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, strolls up to the bar and sighs "Give me a Guinness, mate" The bartender gives him his drink and asks "Rough day? " the black piece of tarmac replies "Yep. I'm part of the A1 Freeway and I've had all sorts over me today. 12 f*cking lorries, a tank, and half a hundred cars".
At this point a second black piece of tarmac walks into the bar, strolls right up to the bartender and sighs "Give me the strongest drink you have"
The bartender gives him his drink and asks "Rough day?" and once again he gets his answer. "Yep. I'm part of the M25 and I've had non-stop traffic on me all day. 54 lorries, 90 freaking cars and a f*cking tanker".
The two black pieces of tarmac chat amongst themselves when the doors get kicked open by a piece of green tarmac. As he stomps up to the bar the two pieces of black tarmac run and hide in the bathroom.
The piece of green tarmac gets to the bar he spits on the floor and eyes the bartender. "Give me a f*cking beer now" he demands to the bartender. The bartender being used to rude customers acquiesces and gives him his drink. "Rough day?" he asks. The green piece of tarmac downs his drink smashes the glass on the floor and stomps back out of the bar.
The two black pieces of tarmac come out from cowering in the toilets and sit back down at the bar. The bartender bewildered asks "The f*ck was his problem?" The two black pieces of tarmac exchange a glance "him? Oh he's a f*cking cycle path".
Parts of the body are having a debate. One day all the body parts are gathered together to discuss who amongst them should be the leader.
The brain steps forward and says "I should be the leader for I am the cleverest. I keep everyone organised and find solutions to problems".
Everyone is quite impressed until the heart steps forward and says "I should be the leader for I am the most important and vital organ. I supply the blood and keep everyone moving. Let us also not forget that a person can survive brain death but not the lack of a heart".
The debate keeps on until a mysterious figure emerges. It's the sphincter.
He says "Howdy. I reckon y'all ought to let me be the leader".
Before he could carry on his pitch the rest of the body parts were already laughing and jeering at his ridiculous proposal. So, the sphincter stormed off and shut down.
Within a week the waste had built up causing problems for everyone including the heart and brain, until finally they relented and let sphincter be the leader.
The moral of the story is. To be a leader you don't have to be smart or important, just an a$$hole.
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place - two rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, potbellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location. It was suspended in mid-air by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
"Fascinating" said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb".
"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin".
"With all due respect" interrupted the theologian "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries". The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.
When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.

Laughs for everyone, except Lachlan, as he's a miserable old sod!

Premium Member
2,078 Posts
Hopefully it's not a wind up or something he's doing, but currently says banned under his avatar 👍

Full of Cr*p....
8,531 Posts
Discussion Starter #75

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilser which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh ****..."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

FLAT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 5p part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Full of Cr*p....
8,531 Posts
Discussion Starter #76
BIG update....something to pass a few minutes whilst dreaming of the pubs opening for you poor sods in UK!

Scientist are doing an experiment on the human brain to see how much someone can function without certain parts. They remove half the brain and ask the subject to count to ten. He counts "One, three, five, seven, nine". Fascinated, they put it back and remove the other half, then ask him to count to ten again. He counts "Two, four, six, eight, ten". Finally, they remove the entire brain and ask him to count to ten one more time. He says "I can count to ten, I'm the best with numbers, I have the best numbers, the news, they say I can't count, that's wrong, they're wrong, I think, people, when they think about good numbers, I can count, with any numbers, all the time, better than China, better than anyone..."
The man who invented hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has died. R.I.P. Scott Chegg.
Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city when they heard moans coming from an alley. They went to investigate and found a semi-conscious man writhing around in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and beaten!" he pleaded. The social workers immediately turned and walked off. One said to the other "You know, the person who mugged that man could really use our help".
The teacher was giving a lesson on polysyllabic words and asked the class for examples. Jane stood up and said "Monday". "Mon-day. Very good, Jane, that has two syllables" said the teacher.
The teacher pointed to Mike, who stood up and said "Saturday'. "Sat-ur-day - three syllables. Excellent, Mike" said the teacher. Johnny burst out of his seat and said "Miss, I have a word that will beat all the others. Mas-tur-ba-tion!" Shocked, the teacher said "Wow, Johnny, four syllables. That's certainly a mouthful". "No, Miss" said Johnny "you're thinking of blowjob, and that only has two syllables".
I have decided to move to Germany, I hear the children are kinder there.
Paddy and Murphy, come across a girl whose bike has a flat tyre. Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way. A few minutes later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike. "What the hell happened?" asks Murphy. "Well, I fixed her bike and bejaysus she takes her knickers off, lies on the ground and says, take what you want big boy! So I took the bike.'' "Good on ya" says Murphy, ''I'm sure the fookin' knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway!"
An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynaecologist". "I know" said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.
A nun walked into a bottle shop and asked the shopkeeper for the biggest bottle of cheap rum they had. When the shopkeeper handed it over, she whispered "It's for Mother Superior's constipation". A few hours later, the shopkeeper closed up and when he went to the carpark, saw the nun staggering around, singing loudly and clutching the empty bottle. "My God, Sister!" the shopkeeper said. "I thought you said that rum was for Mother Superior's constipation!" "It is" the nun slurred drunkenly. "If this doesn't give her the sh*ts, nothing will!"
I got a job in a factory making chess pieces. This week I'm on knights.
A man starts a zoo in his back garden one day, dedicated to Australia's most dangerous animals, he has a huge menagerie of snakes, spiders, wombats, even a couple of koalas for the kids. However soon numbers begin to dwindle and complaints start rushing in. Surely this can't be a zoo for Australia's most dangerous animals without the fearsome crocodile the complaints say! With the bad reviews on TripAdvisor rushing in, and the local papers calling him a fraud the man rushes to a local pet shop to buy a crocodile. "That'll be $1000" the owner says. "But you will need more room in your zoo for this beauty". The man then quickly goes to see a landscaper for a quote to expand his garden. " That'll be $1000" the landscaper says. Realising he can only afford one or the other the man thinks damn. Looks like I'm stuck between a croc and the yard space.
A woman buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge suite opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs and slowly recrosses them. Finally, husband asks: "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?" "Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite!"
My mate asked me what my ringtone is. I said " I've never seen it, but I'm guessing it's a light brown".
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife". "Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. After services, he starts talking to the Reverend, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the Minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to? Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses "I'm sorry Sir, but my friend is sleeping with your wife right now, he asked me to keep you occupied". The Minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says "Son. You'd better hurry home to your wife... because my wife died five years ago".
A lawyer is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over. The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it's going to cost him to get it fixed. The cop loses his patience and says "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!" The lawyer is incensed and says "How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I'm under!" The cop says "Well, you're so concerned about your beamer, you didn't notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow". The lawyer looks down and screams "Fack! My Rolex!"
I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting out front said "I've not eaten for two days". I told him "I wish I had your will power".
The barkeep asks the guy sitting at the bar "What can I get for you?" The guy answers "A scotch, please".
The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars" to which the guy replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration".
The barkeep was not impressed, but says to the guy "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double".
To which the guy replies "Thank you. Make it a scotch".
A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot.
The clerk responds "Ahh excellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000".
Startled the man remarks that this seems like a high price for a bird.
"Well you see this is a special parrot, it can answer the phone and make appointments for you".
The man is very impressed by this but decides to look at the other two as well.
"This one here goes for $20,000 since it is excellent at sales and will actually make money for you".
Astounded at the skills of these birds the man can hardly wait to find out about the final parrot.
"Lastly this parrot is priced at $50,000".
The man is floored by this outlandish price and asks what it does that could possibly make it worth so much money?
"I don't know but the other two call it Boss".
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning" said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners".
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration".
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse sh*t onto her hallway carpet!
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder".
The old lady stepped back and said "Well let me get you a fork 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning".
A modern-day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... "You know how I work... you have three wishes".
"I'm not falling for this". said the cowboy.... "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie".
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
"Okay! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.".
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
" Okay, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams".
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
" Okay, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me".
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story: If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.
Colonel Reichman, who sometimes likes to assist in interrogation for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.
Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognises who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.
"Frauline" he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grandfazer clock you have outside above your door". "Nein colonel, I am sorry, but zat grandfazer clock is not for sale. It is a showpiece of ze little shoppie" she answers.
"Frauline, don"t gif me shizer, you know who I am, and ven I say I vant zat grandfazer clock, you give me ze f*cking grandfazer clock!" he retorts impatiently.
"Colonel, vhy vould you vant zat clock anyvay? It is fooked! It does not vork!" she says. "Vhy frauline? Vhat is wrong with ze clock?" he asks.
"Colonel, ze pendulum only sfings von vay, ze fooking ting only goes TICK, TICK, TICK and it cannot go TOCK" she answers.
He gets a grin on his face and says "Haha, don't you vorry about zat frauline! Vhere ve come from, ve haf vays of making it TOCK!"
A man was in the supermarket buying snacks for lunchtime when he saw a new Babybel cheese with multi-colour wax.
The type of cheese wasn't labelled but he decided to try it anyway and found he really liked it. However, he couldn't decipher what cheese it was so he bought another one the next day.
The next day he yet again enjoyed it but still couldn't figure out what it was. His friend said he liked cheese too so to grab him one next time he was in.
The next day a man bought himself another of the mystery cheeses and also got his friend one, but his friend couldn't pinpoint what it was either. The supervisor said he was a cheese expert so he'd figure it out.
The following day the man, his friend, and the supervisor sat eating their cheese but were none the wiser.
By now word was spreading of the mysterious but tasty new Babybel and couple of other co-workers wanted to try it so the next day all five of them say around discussing the snack. Still nobody could agree on what type of cheese.
The next day the man just decided to buy a multipack. At lunchtime in the canteen the man, his friend, the supervisor, the other couple of co-workers and two office visitors all tried the cheese but still no definitive answer.
Just then a mathematician walked in to see them all looking confused. Asking them what the issue was he listened to the story then asked if he could try a piece too. As luck would have it there was a piece left in the multipack. The mathematician took one look at the multicoloured cheese and declared he knew exactly what it was. It was fibona cheese.
Three nuns die and go to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.
"Who was the first woman?" he says to the first nun. "Eve". The gates swing open and she walks in.
"Where did Eve live?" he says to the second nun. "The Garden of Eden". The gates swing open once more.
"Now, seeing as you're the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question, what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?" St. Peter says to the third nun.
"Oh, that's a hard one..."
The gates swing open.
-- A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software development. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good" said the new husband "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night?
"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed" she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house".
"Don't worry" John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light". The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do" said Keith.
"Did you, umm, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, ummmm, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did".
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Keith's face turned beet red and he said "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did". "Why do you ask?"
She just died and left me everything".
A man was in a long line at his local store. As he got to the register, he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom "One box of large condoms, checkout 5".
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said "One box of medium-sized condoms, checkout 5".
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers and he did she reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said "Mop and bucket, checkout 5".
A retired Air Force veteran goes to a bar with his kid. While having some drinks at the bar, the vet's kid is wondering around.
A Navy Seal walks into the bar and the kid comes up to him and says "Mister, mister! Are you really a Navy Seal?" The Seal replies "Why yes son, I am". The kid says "Well mister, can I wear your hat?" The Seal says "Yes!" and gives the kid his hat.
A few minutes passes and a Marine walks into the bar. The kid goes up to the Marine and says " Mister, mister! Are you really a Marine?" The Marine says "Why yes son, I am". The kid says "Well mister, can I wear your hat?" The Marine says "Yes!" and gives the kid his hat.
A few more minutes pass and an Army Ranger walks into the bar. The kid goes up to the ranger and says "Mister, mister! Are you really a Ranger?" The Ranger says "Why yes son, I am". The kid says "Well mister, can I wear your hat?" The Ranger says "Well first you have to suck my dick". The kid replies "Mister, you are mistaken, I am not really a Marine, I'm just wearing a hat!"
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