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Heard any good jokes lately?

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45K views 474 replies 40 participants last post by  Big Sandy  
#1 ·
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates............
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators!
There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer!?
That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here right away."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right............ and just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"





TURK :)
 
#2 ·
If Earth is the third planet from the sun, doesn't that mean that every country is a third world country?
Light bulbs were such a good idea they became the symbol for a good idea.
Laywers hope you get sued, doctors hope you get sick, cops hope you're a criminal, mechanics hope you have car trouble, but only a thief wishes you prosprerity.
Scientists say an asteroid killed the dinasaurs, you could also say it killed many birds with one stone.
Reading a book is looking at a dead tree and hallucinating.
When you say forwards or back, your lips move in that direction.
 
#3 ·
Guy goes into a pub and places a little chap and a mini piano onto the bar as he orders.

Little chap starts playing a tune and the Barman, amazed, says "What's with the little fella?"

Guy says "Don't ask me how but there's a Genie outside granting everyone just one wish but you'll have to be quick !"

"I'm having some of that" says the Barman and pegs it outside!

Next thing there's a massive rumpus, loud quacking and a load of ducks come running into the bar causing uproar.

Barman comes back inside and the guy says "What's with all the ducks? "

Barman says "God knows!! I asked him for a million bucks!!"

Guy says "oh sorry, forgot to tell you, I think he's a bit deaf. Do you think I really asked for an 11 inch Pianist ....?"
 
#5 ·
More pub ones ( probably because I've heard them all in pubs over the years...)

The worst pub I’ve ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile Inn.

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub just to ask me what time it is.

When it’s sunny I think, “Beer garden.”
When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while.
When it’s snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.
I’m starting to think I have a problem with the weather.

“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub.
So he invited the old man inside for a drink.
As they sipped their whiskys, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
 
#6 ·
My mate was always getting drunk
His wife said if you come home drunk one more time we are done !
Well he was down the pub and got so drunk he was sick on his shirt
I said put £20 in your shirt pocket and tell her someone was sick on your shirt and gave you £20 to compensate you
Off home he went
The wife said thats it we are done your so drunk you have been sick on your shirt
No he said and showed her the £20 in his shirt pocket explaining how someone else had been sick on him and compensated him
Ok she said
He then showed her the £20 in his trousers from the man who had accidentally shat in his pants :rolleyes:
 
#9 ·
A young boy sat on the corner of the street playing with a bottle of acid.a priest comes up to him and tells him to throw it away as it is dangerous and out of his cloak he pulled a bottle of holly water he said take this I rubbed this on a pregnant woman's belly and she past her baby . Little boy replies na I rubbed this on the dogs bollloc$ and he past a motor bike
 
#12 ·
Why can't athletes use drugs in competitions?..............................................................................It's cheating!
Why can't you use notes in an exam?..............................................................................................It's cheating!
Why can't bodybuilders use steroids in their competitions?.........................................................It's cheating!
Well if all that's cheating then why can women use make up in beauty competitions?.............
 
#18 ·
A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. While sitting in her new room, she slowly starts to lean to over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush over and straighten her up. After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side - the nurses again rush over to her and put her upright. This goes on all morning! Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you ok?" She replies "Yes it's nice, except they wont let me fart!"
 
#19 ·
I recommended this to Soundz, recently, as the World's Best Parrot Joke, by the late, great, Barry Cryer:

'A woman walks past a petshop and sees a magnificent parrot in the window.

She rushes inside and says, 'How much for the parrot?'

'£5,' says the shopkeeper.

'Only £5? I've got to have it,' says the woman. 'Why's it so cheap?'

'Well, I must confess, it was brought up in a brothel,' said the shopkeeper. 'And, to put it politely, it has quite an extensive vocabulary.'

'Never mind,' says the woman. 'At that price, I'll take it.'

So she takes the parrot home, puts its cage in the living room and takes the cover off.

'New place - very nice,' says the parrot.

Then the woman's two daughters walk in.

'New place, new girls - very nice,' says the parrot.

Then the woman's husband walks in, and the parrot says, 'Oh hello, Keith!'
 
#23 ·
Tony Blackburn was leaving Belfast after doing the Radio One roadshow.
As he was getting onto the motorway he stopped for a pretty hitch-hiker
A few miles down the road she asked “aren’t you the DJ off the radio”
Yes, he replied
“I’d do anything to have a request played on your show”
“Really” said Tony and started to unzip his jeans.
“there you go then” he said
The girl leant over, got hold of his **** and said
”This one’s for my mum, my dad and anyone else who knows me”
 
#162 ·
Philshoz said:
Tony Blackburn was leaving Belfast after doing the Radio One roadshow.
As he was getting onto the motorway he stopped for a pretty hitch-hiker
A few miles down the road she asked “aren’t you the DJ off the radio”
Yes, he replied
“I’d do anything to have a request played on your show”
“Really” said Tony and started to unzip his jeans.
“there you go then” he said
The girl leant over, got hold of his **** and said
”This one’s for my mum, my dad and anyone else who knows me”
Click to expand...
Hahaaaa class
 
M
#25 ·
Old one:

A bear walks into a pub.

Bear: Pint of bitter please
Incredulous barman : Er, th-that's £4.50 p-please
Bear pays. Stays standing at the bar drinking his beer.
Barman keeps looking at him worriedly out of the corner of his eye.
Bear: You go a problem, mate?
Barman: N-no, no! It's just that we don't get many bears in here...
Bear: I'm not surprised at £4.50 a bloody pint...
 
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