[Big Sandy]

The UK's first bus powered by human waste has been involved in a 'near miss' in Bristol earlier today...
Accident investigators are examining a huge skid mark left on a bend...

 

[Big Sandy]

A photon checks into a hotel. The receptionist asks his if he needs a hand with his luggage. The photon replies "its OK, I'm travelling light"

Two atoms were walking down the street when one atom shouts 'I've lost an electron!'
The other atom says 'are you sure?'
The first atom replies 'yes! I'm positive!

and finally

I've just learnt that atoms have mass. Didn't realise they were all catholic.

 

[Big Sandy]

I have a new hobby. I've taken up photography......

Because its the only way I can shoot people and cut their heads off without going to prison.

 

[Big Sandy]

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word... ...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

 

[ScotRenoNation]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

 

[ScotRenoNation]

I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?”
I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

 

[Big Sandy]

People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

 

[Big Sandy]

What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters, but usually has six letters. Hmm?

 

[suty455]

Two old ladies are sitting at a bus stop, smoking. It begins to rain, and one old lady pulls out a condom, stretches it out, snips the tip off, and puts it over her cigarette so she can smoke without her cigarette getting damp. The other old lady thinks it's a nifty trick and asks her what she put over her cigarette. The lady replies that it is a condom and that you can buy it at a pharmacy. The second old lady thanks her, and makes a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week.

Sure enough, a few days later, she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter, and says, "Young man, I would like to buy a condom, please."

The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies, "Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before…um. What size do you need?"

The old woman pauses, then replies, "I need one that will fit a camel."

 

[suty455]

Two lawyers walk into a pub. They order a couple of drinks and take their sandwiches out of their briefcases and then they begin to eat them.

Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, “Excuse me, but you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The two lawyers look at each other, shrug their shoulders, and then exchange sandwiches.

 

[suty455]

A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”

Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To this, the man responds at the top of his voice, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”

 

[suty455]

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub just to ask me what time it is.

 

[ScotRenoNation]

A wee skinny white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the wee guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says in a shaky voice: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'

 

[Kelster]

What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters, but usually has six letters. Hmm?

Usually? How many?

 

[Big Sandy]

Usually? How many?

Helps if you can count. Doesn't it...?.🤣🤣. Durr. Nyne, obviushly.

Free is after too, innit? New I shudda staid @ skool.

 

[Big Sandy]

 

[Philshoz]

I recently found out the motto of the French navy,

” á l’eau, c’est l’heure “ 🙄

 

[Orion]

I don't know about the French Navy but I know their tanks have the reversing lights on the front.

 

[ZuluGolfZulu]

I don't know about the French Navy but I know their tanks have the reversing lights on the front.

That's nothing compared to Italian tanks, which have the gearbox that way: Multiple speeds. All reverse

 

[Big Sandy]

I apologise in advance.....