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Heard any good jokes lately?

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Discussion starter · #461 ·
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance!" screams the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning pal !"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the bloody morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

So the man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes." comes back the answer from the darkness.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing."






TURK
 
#462 ·
A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory
And once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.

"Okay Mr. Milly Terry," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened ?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Hugh Cumber was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

"He was smoking in the mixing room ?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"

"About 20 years, sir."

"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."
 
#463 ·
The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A1081 just outside Harpenden early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
 
#464 ·
Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Richard

Max, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
 
#465 ·
Big Sandy said:
Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Richard

Max, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
Click to expand...
Class
 
Discussion starter · #471 ·
A nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

"In front of you?" He asks shyly.
The nurse says: "Well no, but I've seen a naked human body before.
The man said, "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body."

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse .......... "I'm a professional, in over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.”

"Okay then," said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life.
In length and girth, it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing and tears were beginning to form. Feeling very bad that she had laughed out loud at the man's private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

At that moment she ran out of the room, and could be heard laughing uncontrollably down the corridor.





TURK
 
#472 ·
A man applies to join MI6. They give him a gun, and say:

'To prove your commitment to becoming a spy, we have put your wife in the room next door. You must go and kill her.'

The man breaks down in tears, and says he can't do it.

'Sorry,' the interviewer says, 'but you're not the kind of person we're looking for.

The next applicant is a woman. They hand her the gun, and say:

'To prove your commitment to becoming a spy, we have put your husband in the room next door. You must go and kill him.'

The woman takes the gun, and goes next door.

There is the sound of a shot, then a large number of crashing noises and breaking furniture.

The woman comes back to the interviewer looking somewhat dishevelled, and says:

'Sorry, that gun you gave me fired blanks, so I had to beat him to death with a chair.'
 
#473 ·
Not a joke but had me laughing out loud last night…..

Watching the end of Mastermind and the eventual winner was into his general knowledge round .
”What is a cured Kosher meat thinly sliced and very popular in New York delis”

He thinks for a moment and replies “Pass”
To which Mrs Shoz instantly says “Trami”
 
#474 ·
Just having a drink and a chat with a bloke in the pub last night.
I discovered he was worth around 2 million and he told me the amazing story how he got rich.
Basically when he left school he had little or no qualifications, but he was good with his hands and he knew how to sell.
He knew he was never going to make it in an office job so it was nose to the grindstone time.
He left school at 15 and bought an old T2 and spent a few weeks fixing it up. He then sold it for a profit and used the money to buy another and so on. He did this a lot over the next 35 years buying, repairing, selling and buying again.
He eventually moved onto T4's in the late 00's and T5's in the last eight or nine years.
Even during the bad times he plugged away. He worked long hours, sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal.
Then his uncle passed away and left him 2 million.
A real heartwarming story!
 
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Big Sandy
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