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Heard any good jokes lately?

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#23 ·
Tony Blackburn was leaving Belfast after doing the Radio One roadshow.
As he was getting onto the motorway he stopped for a pretty hitch-hiker
A few miles down the road she asked “aren’t you the DJ off the radio”
Yes, he replied
“I’d do anything to have a request played on your show”
“Really” said Tony and started to unzip his jeans.
“there you go then” he said
The girl leant over, got hold of his **** and said
”This one’s for my mum, my dad and anyone else who knows me”
 
#25 ·
Old one:

A bear walks into a pub.

Bear: Pint of bitter please
Incredulous barman : Er, th-that's £4.50 p-please
Bear pays. Stays standing at the bar drinking his beer.
Barman keeps looking at him worriedly out of the corner of his eye.
Bear: You go a problem, mate?
Barman: N-no, no! It's just that we don't get many bears in here...
Bear: I'm not surprised at £4.50 a bloody pint...
 
#31 ·
How does NASA organize a party? They planet.


The Pentagon was originally going to just be a square but the contractor kept cutting corners.


My girlfriend treats me like a god. She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.


I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.


I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.


I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

😂
 
#32 ·
Just come to realise of all the emojis available what's missing is an emoji to express that typical oh god no wave of an arm turn away in dismay sigh of unbelievabilty just heard a bad joke expression......:unsure:........:ROFLMAO:
 
#34 ·
son...Mum, I think I'm adopted.
mother....Of course you're not, why would you say that?
son....The DNA results came back and it says no match for any relatives.
Mother calls dad.
Honey, Christian did a DNA test and it says that he isn't our son!
dad....well obviously.
mum...What do you mean?
dad....Well it was your idea, don't you remember that first night in hospital when all the baby did was scream and cry and you told me to go and change the baby?
mum...Yes.
dad...Well I think I picked a good one, I'm very proud of Christian.
 
#35 ·
Literary theorists say there are only 7 basic plots in fiction. After much analysis and investigation it has been revealed that there are only 7 basic social media posts:

1. I'm here and you're not.
2. I'm doing this and you're not.
3. I own this and you don't.
4. I gave birth to this and you didn't.
5. I'm eating this and you're not.
6. I look like this and you don't.
7. I know about this and you don't.
 
#36 · (Edited)
Some "van" based ones:

What's an international gathering of Volkswagen vans called?
A Kombination

A woman accidentally crashed her car into a van because she was using a vibrator while driving.
The hospital said she is in “stable and extremely relaxed” condition.
The driver of the van said he never saw her coming.

My next door neighbour is a ice cream man, he went missing
We eventually found him in the back of his van covered in sprinkles, caramel & chocolate flakes
The Police say he topped himself.

A van carrying snooker equipment has crashed into an ice-cream van on the M1
Police say there are queues on both sides of the carriageway and they are putting the cones out.

Why did the art thief’s van run out of fuel as he drove away from the museum?
Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
 
#37 ·
A man walks in to the pub and there’s a guy sat at the bar with a dog
He says “hey mate does your dog bite”
He replies “no”
So he bent down to pat it and the dog bit him
He said “oi I thought you said your dog didn’t bite”
“That’s not my dog” was his answer
 
#38 ·
A man walks in to the pub and there’s a guy sat at the bar with a dog
He says “hey mate does your dog bite”
He replies “no”
So he bent down to pat it and the dog bit him
He said “oi I thought you said your dog didn’t bite”
“That’s not my dog” was his answer
 
#40 · (Edited)
Driver. "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?"
Officer. "Keep it, when you collect four of them you get a bicycle".


"Propaganda"......what cockneys do when they have a really good look at something.
(edit; spelling mistake corrected)

Asked my wife what it was she liked best about me.
"Is it my firm, trim, athletic body? Or rather, is it my astounding intellect?"
She replied, "Your sense of humour, dear!"
 
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