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Heard any good jokes lately?

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Discussion starter · #302 ·
A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight “This is exciting!” the guy thought, “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope.
Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realised his seat was right next to the Pope!

In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began writing in the answers. It crossed the gentleman's mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance, "This is fantastic!”, he thought. “I’m really good at crosswords!”

Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘ UNT’?”

The three Cardinals behind, in front of, and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The gentleman was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He thought within himself, thought deeper, longer, for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the light shined through.

Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness ................ “I believe, your Holiness, that the word you’re looking for, is 'AUNT’.”

“Of course!” the Pope mused.

Not taking his gaze off the crossword, the Pope suddenly replied ................ “You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?”




TURK
 
#303 ·
TURK said:
A French millionaire was showing me his yacht collection ..............

French guy: This is numero Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where's the 5th one?

French guy: Cinq !




TURK
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Funny...but, where's the facepalm button when you need it?
 
#306 ·
Big Sandy said:
View attachment 229948
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I agree. I was told by Mrs ZGZ that her workplace put the tree up on Nov 1st 😲😮

As The President of 'The Bah HumVWbug MC', I was naturally incensed by this, and told the lads to seek and destroy with extreme prejudice 😊

BTW, Mrs ZGZ hates Mariah Carey with a passion that could extinguish a minor star, once saying, memorably, 'I'd like to rip her head off, and. **** down her neck!'

Hardened as I am to her bizarre ramblings.... even I thought this was a bit extreme 😲

Anyway, similar joke, for all the smokers out there (twenty plus years ex-smoker, myself):

'Every time you smoke a cigarette...
The Devil adds five minutes to Keith Richards' life.'

Totally different joke:

'My area is so rough that half the windows on my advent calendar are boarded up...'

Obviously the best joke for me was from Charles Dickens:

'Any fool who goes about with Merry Christmas on his lips should be boiled along with his own pudding!'

If affected by pre-Christmas, lie down in a dark room with a strong drink, and watch excerpts of The Muppets Christmas Carol when you feel able.

Yrs,
Dr ZGZ
 
#307 ·
#308 ·
ZuluGolfZulu said:
'My area is so rough that half the windows on my advent calendar are boarded up...'
Click to expand...
My mate had a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar last year. Every time he opened a door, someone told him to fork off.
 
#310 ·
I recently heard that the gentleman who invented zero had passed away.

I'm sure you'll all join me in thanking him for nothing.

And to help kick start the festive season 😇

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do they call snowmen in Hawaii?
Water.

Who delivers presents to baby sharks?
Santa Jaws.

What do reindeer use to decorate their antlers?
Hornaments.
 
Discussion starter · #312 ·
A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy start work at the local coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task.
The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging.
The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation.
And the Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They each go their separate ways and begin work, everything is going smoothly.
Frank is digging up the coal at a rapid pace.
Jamaal is quickly transporting the coal and the two have quite the efficient operation going.

Slowly Frank's pick begins to go dull and his shovel handle is breaking off. Jamaal's transportation cart has a rickety wheel and they need replacements from their supply man, Wong.
However, Wong is nowhere to be found. In fact, no one has seen him all day long. Frustrated, Frank and Jamaal go to find the manager and explain the situation. The manager is equally upset.

The three of them begin to search the mine looking for Wong. They search high and low, but Wong can't be found anywhere.

Extremely frustrated and about to give up, they decide to take a look down a dark, abandoned shaft.
They peak their heads in, and suddenly Wong jumps out of nowhere and yells, "SUPPRIES!!!"




TURK
 
#313 ·
Last night I popped round to play guitar with my mate, Ray.

He said he'd just had a phone call from a telemarketer trying to sell funeral plans. The conversation went something like this:

Salesman: Can I interest you in our flexible funeral plan?"

Ray: "No thanks, I've already got a alternative arrangements planned and paid for."

Salesman: "Oh, OK, fair enough. Can I ask, what do you mean by 'alternative arrangements'?"

Ray: "I'm having a Viking Funeral."

Salesman: "REALLY? That IS interesting, I've heard of forest burials but never a Viking funeral. If you don't mind me asking, where are you having it done?"

Ray: "At a place in Somerset."

Salesman: "I'd be interested to check that out. Whereabouts in Somerset?"

Ray: <pause for effect> "Burnham on Sea."

Salesman: <hangs up>
 
#315 ·
Big Sandy said:
Last night I popped round to play guitar with my mate, Ray.

He said he'd just had a phone call from a telemarketer trying to sell funeral plans. The conversation went something like this:

Salesman: Can I interest you in our flexible funeral plan?"

Ray: "No thanks, I've already got a alternative arrangements planned and paid for."

Salesman: "Oh, OK, fair enough. Can I ask, what do you mean by 'alternative arrangements'?"

Ray: "I'm having a Viking Funeral."

Salesman: "REALLY? That IS interesting, I've heard of forest burials but never a Viking funeral. If you don't mind me asking, where are you having it done?"

Ray: "At a place in Somerset."

Salesman: "I'd be interested to check that out. Whereabouts in Somerset?"

Ray: <pause for effect> "Burnham on Sea."

Salesman: <hangs up>
Click to expand...
Back in the early nineties, my grandad died. I temporarily lived in his house while everything was sorted out. So I got to have a lot of fun with telemarketing people...

'Can I speak to Mr Leary?'

Replies included:

'Not without the aid of a spiritualist medium.'

And:

'You'll have to ring his new place.'

'Where's that?'

'Well, could be one of two places... Or nowhere at all. Opinion is divided on the subject.'
 
#316 ·
Oh, and the other bit of fun I had at grandad's place was when some eedjit from the council turned up, complaining about an unpaid tax bill.

I pointed out that grandad was in no position to pay. Because he was dead.

The Eedgit thought about this, for a bit, in the manner of a dog being shown a card trick, and then said:

'Well, we won't be pursuing this, then...'

'Very Big of you, I'm sure,' I replied, while resisting the urge to beat him with a broom handle untill my arm went numb.

'And can I ask your name, sir?' he wheedled.

'You can ask. But there's no law that says I have to give it you.'

Then I slammed the door in his face.

I think grandad would have been proud 😀
 
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Big Sandy
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