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Heard any good jokes lately?

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Discussion starter · #321 ·
A guy is jailed for the very first time in his life.

On his first night after lights out, someone from another cell shouts out "Number 13!".
His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this strange.

Shortly after they were done laughing, another inmate shouts out "33!" and the entire block of inmates again started laughing.
"27!" Shouted another inmate. More laughter followed. The new prisoner is now completely puzzled.

"What's going on? Why is everyone laughing at numbers?" He asks his cellmate.
"Oh!" Replied the cellmate, still giggling. "Thing is, we've been in here for so long, we told the same jokes until we eventually knew them all, so we decided to give them numbers, so that instead of saying the entire joke, you just say the number and we know which one it is!".

Astonished, the new prisoner decides to see if that's true. He goes over to the cell bars and shouts out "Number 72!".
All the inmates explode into a massive laughter, and the entire block is roaring with laughter, to a point where his cellmate is now on the floor, rolling with laughter.
The new prisoner is now dumbstruck and completely lost.

"Which one is number 72?" He asks his cellmate.
In between laughs, while trying to catch his breath, his cellmate replies "We've never heard that one before!"



TURK
 
#323 ·
Now then, Christmas is time for a proper consideration of religion...

Or not. It's old, and long, but here's the hard physics of the Real Explanation of Why Santa Doesn't Exist:

Consider the following:

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).

This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-½ million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.

On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that ‘flying reindeer’ (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.

We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

Or, as Dave Allen would have put it, no wonder he only works one day a year...

And that is also why Physics Graduates have no sex life.... 😃
 
Discussion starter · #325 ·
The other day a guy sat next to me on the train. Suddenly he pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my missus mate.

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician!"



TURK
 
#326 ·
ZuluGolfZulu said:
Now then, Christmas is time for a proper consideration of religion...

Or not. It's old, and long, but here's the hard physics of the Real Explanation of Why Santa Doesn't Exist:

Consider the following:

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).

This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-½ million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.

On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that ‘flying reindeer’ (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.

We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

Or, as Dave Allen would have put it, no wonder he only works one day a year...

And that is also why Physics Graduates have no sex life.... 😃
Click to expand...
I take this on board, and in response, I put it to you sir, from The Santa Claus Movie...

"Seeing isn't believing, believing is seeing." 🎅
 
#329 · (Edited)
I was very disappointed with my Christmas present of a Wombles Pepper Grinder:

It's either Under-ground or Over-ground.

Obviously I've been offered the improved 'And Wombling Free' version, but it's taking some time, as it has to be posted from my Uncle.

He's a Great Guy.

But He lives in Bulgaria.

(I'll get my own recycled coat 😁)
 
Discussion starter · #331 ·
A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a night club where there’s a guy on the dance floor break dancing, moonwalking, shuffle dancing, doing back flips, basically every dance move going.

The wife turns to her husband and says........ “You see that guy on the dance floor?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

And the husband replies......... “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”




TURK
 
#336 ·
Big Sandy said:
More sad news. The guy who invented predictive text has also died.

His funfairs on monkey.
Click to expand...
Another absolutely true story:

In the early days of predictive text technology, Mrs ZGZ's phone translated 'Happy New Year' as:

'Jalopy New Tw@t'

I think that sums it up... So a JNT to all 😀
 
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